Thursday, 13th October
I went clothes shopping today, it
is nice to get a few new things. Seeing what I had packed away, I
decided it was time to freshen up my wardrobe. I bought a few things
for Ben as well. I suddenly thought to ask Barbara if there was a
dress code for the memorial service, and for the wedding.
Saturday, 15th October
Martin and I went to the site
today, Ben has gone shopping with Ingrid. I bribed her into it. She
has had an eye on a painting in an antiques shop where she sometimes
helps. It will be her bribe, birthday and christmas present.
The work men have finished tearing
things out, the bar is gone, all carpets, light fittings, all in
built furniture. The kitchen is still there, the old owner could not
sell it, so we agreed to take it. We basically paid him the scrap
value. We have a meeting with the architect on site on Monday. He has
drawn up some basic plans. The space seems bigger now, and looks
really old. It will be more work than anticipated.
We have only had one of our
existing staff interested in the live-on-site assistant manager job.
Luckily it is the chap we had hoped would be interested, so we have
appointed him. Martin is busy finding out some courses to train him
up, like First Aid, Fire safety, management of people.
Monday, 17th October
Ben is helping with Django this
week, the kid is on a school trip. Ingrid was much happier with her
little shopper, they did not buy much, he actually did not need much.
Ben is using my time out of the house to give the floors a good once
over. I told him, they will need doing anyway after the building
work! We can get the professionals in. He wanted to do it anyway. He
has been very good, adhering to my stricter routine. As he does not
need to spend so much time in the evening with his colon, we have
used the time in the play room. We have tried a few new positions. It
certainly has been fun for me. Some of the scenes have been hard for
him, but he has accepted everything. I do not know why I feel I have
to assert myself, we have been good..... I was getting too close. The
love for him was a physical pain. I had to distance myself, be more
like my Master. It was looking at photos of my Master that made me
change my behaviour. My Master would sometimes be more distant with
me and play more with other slaves, of course I was jealous, I had to
learn to keep that in check. He did not like me to get possessive
with him, if I wanted to be the only one to receive his attention.
The feeling I got when he paid attention to me again was great. The
bigger the comedown when he left me again. He tormented me so much,
psychologically. Now I think it made me stronger to cope with life. I
can see now, Robert and Ben had such a strong bond all the time, it
was so difficult for them to let go. Ben and I have built a very
strong bond, but when we go to Canada, he will have to cope with all
his memories. I guess unconsciously I am preparing him, by
withdrawing myself, to rely on himself more for the coming weeks.
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