On my own

Sunday, 30^th April

Just before I left to meet Stephan last night Trude phoned. I was nervous, was Ben alright? See, that is what he means. Why should he not be alright. Why would she phone me only to tell me about a problem. She is my aunt, we are close, she can phone any time. She wanted to know are there any rules she should enforce. I told her he is on holiday, can she just make sure he does not physically overdo it, and that he has his shakes. I asked how he is. She said he was very tense, but is settling down. Dog is happy to have him there. They had noticed he is not wearing his “necklace”. Are things between us that bad? No, we are ok. He just needed a break after having his mother here, and before he needs to look after me as I am starting work. I told her we had not discussed a return date, is it a problem for them? She said he is welcome. The whole family was going to a bonfire at the local sports club.

Stephan and I went to the bar I had been to with Sven. It is pretty much the only exclusive gay bar aimed at the older generation. It is nice to go there if you just want to have a catch up. Of course we talked about my problems, but I was sick of it. I think I know where I have gone wrong – yet again – and how to change it. We talked about his job, my jobs coming up, the flat being let, general stuff. We went to a bonfire. I did not drink too much, but came home quite late and fell into bed.

This morning I missed our routine. I took some pastries out of the freezer to defrost and automatically took out 6. Ben makes the dough and shapes it, then we defrost them or bake them from frozen. It works very well. I pottered about a bit, cleaned the bathroom. Made my bed. It was a nice day and I did some gardening and cleaned out the garage. I noticed a car next door, and took some pastries to our neighbours. A good opportunity to talk about the building plans! They were happy to see me and invited me for coffee, with my pastries. We talked about their building plans, and my plans for the fence. They were enthusiastic about having the leylandi removed. They do need a lot of water and damage the grass. I said to remove them will damage their garden, but they reckon their builders will make a big mess as well, so get it all done at once. He suggested to put a concrete foundation in, then the fence will last longer, and their builder could do it when the foundation gets done, use the same concrete company, save money. I asked them to get back to me with the schedule and price, but it sounds like a good solution to me. I still want to pay, it is my fence, and I have offered to make good their garden.

I was there for a couple of hours. They asked after Ben, and I told them he is in Dalarna, visiting my family. They thought it was nice that they are so close, they would never expect their in-laws to come and visit or vice versa. I guess we are lucky, but Ben is basically such an easy going person.

Later I read the paper, defrosted a meal for me (Thank god Ben keeps on top of it and always makes sure the freezer is well stocked). I had the last of the wine. I sat in his room for a while, that chair is very comfortable! I even considered sleeping in there, but I felt I would invade his space. Strange, I used to live in this room. Now I cannot imagine it. The cell is basically in the bathroom. But once you are asleep it does not matter. When I was in here, I had a desk in the ante room to study. Later of course I moved upstairs and someone else was in this room. I got on well with that young man, although we were from totally different backgrounds.

Funny, I was friends with my ex-lovers new lover, and we all lived in one house, and even still played together and had sex. It was so natural to us then. I do not consider sharing Ben, or playing with other couples. I guess the event in February was exceptional. And Per is allowed to play with Ben, and they enjoy it, both. We never talk about it. I know when they have played. Ben's mood is different.

Ah, I forgot to mention. This morning I masturbated. I was looking for some lube in my bedside table, when I found my chastity device. I decided to put it on, I gave it a good clean and am wearing it now. I will leave it off over night, as I have to get used to it again.

Reflections

Saturday, 29^th April

I went to the gym this morning and then to Sauna. I did some shopping on the market. Some traders recognized me as Ben's partner. They asked after him. I told them he is on holiday. I hope he is. I took his collar off. I have taken the key off as well, they are in the safe. The slave was surprised when I ordered him to the office and then on his knees. I said if you want some time off from everything, then that is part of it. While you are in Dalarna, you are not slave Ben, you are Ben. He accepted it. He put his wedding band on instead. He does not wear it. I do not mind. He kept taking it off to wash his hands or something, and I kept finding it. Luckily. Although it is only a cheap one. He will probably take it off and forget it and it will get lost in cow shit.

Well, so I told Barbara that Ben allowed me to read his diary, about his dream. She took a deep breath. I asked her, it must have been very stressful for them. She said it was, as Robert of course had to come to terms with it, but they could not really discuss it. It was immediately obvious that Ben had shut it out. They had been advised not to probe. She had not realised he had forgotten it again. She said that he wanted to be honest about hiding it from me was very much him, but she could understand that he had wanted to keep a secret. They had disclosed a lot about him to me, but he hardly knew anything about me. I told her about him feeling I treat him like a child. She said she could not comment, she did not see us in daily life. Her impression had been that we are VERY close. Good close. In her experience Ben does go through phases when he needs a lot of support, and can be childish. But then he is “normal” again, and one needs to hold back. Then he needs a strong hand, a Master. She suggested having had Ruth there would have upset him very much, and he would have been on an emotional roller-coaster, and trying to satisfy both: his mother, being a grown up son, and a husband and slave to me. She loved that he is taking a holiday. That is actually a good expression. He is not ON holiday, he is taking one. That is kind of what he had said, he needed a break from himself. I just hope he is able to. I need to take one, too.

So, I am on my own!

Friday, 28^th April

It was strange putting him onto the train. He was excited. We talked last night, in bed, after sex. We both had decided against bondage. He thought he would not be able to relax, and I was not quite in the mood, either. I had given him the diary back earlier. We did not talk about it. I requested can he elaborate that I treat him like a child. That comment had hit me really hard. He was hesitant. He did not think it was the time and place to talk about it. I said I need to know before you go away. I am over protective. And with his digestion. He could not really give specific examples. He regretted saying it. I commented, you would not have said it if you did not feel it. And I admitted, I am over protective and I am trying to work on it. We did not resolve it, I guess we just have to give it time. At least we are talking, and not bottling it up. Something was on his mind, he was fidgeting. I brought up our sleeping arrangements. I asked what he wanted to do. He admitted he would like to stay with me. That is what I wanted. We fell asleep in each others arms. Oooh.

We left for the station in the late morning, he had to clean himself first. I went to the gym for a short session. We took a taxi to the station. We have bought an open ticket, we have not made plans how long he will stay. I am starting work on Tuesday. It is M/s night tonight, people will be surprised we are not there. I went to the club this afternoon, while they were getting ready. I had a long talk with Martin. I was tempted to tell him Ben's experience, it has been on my mind. I wish I did not know. I had messaged Barbara yesterday, we have arranged to Skype. I have a bottle of wine here. I must be really messed up, drinking by myself. He phoned me to say he had arrived safely. He sounded tense, but happy.

I have arranged to spend Walpurgis eve with Stephan tomorrow. He will probably take me drinking!

Preparations

Thursday, 27^th April

I did not see Ben this morning. He went to school. He is coming home for lunch. Then he wants to do yoga. I guess we will have to pack. I definitely want to have sex. Maybe we can fit in some bondage as well.

The gardener was here today. He said Leylandi die off naturally, and ours have lasted a very long time. To fill the gap with young trees would not be a good idea, as more will die off now. I told him about having building work next door later in the summer. He suggested he could put in a fence, then we could have some plants climb up. Taking the leylandi out will be messy, taking the roots out. It probably needs a digger and we might need to infill. I have to think about it and speak to our new neighbours. The gardener thinks it will affect their land as well. So he only cut the other side. I told  him to quote. Wow, another big bill. Good that I have rented the flat out and start earning again.

I prepared some lunch. Ben had had a good day at school. His teacher gave him some homework. He is to write a report about the farm. He wants to go for a drink with Sabine after yoga. OK. I feel like I have pushed him away from me with my behaviour. I have given him space. I have kind of signalled, that I am there for him if he needs to talk, or if he wants bondage, or sex, or whatever.

I came to the office to check on train times and ticket prices. I saw his diary. We had to resolve this before he goes, I have to return it to him. I found the section quite quickly, most days the entries were quite short, this was longer. I sat and cried. I now know why he does not want to remember. As a doctor I can imagine the smell. I think I am glad he his going away, it gives me time to deal with this.

An eventful day for our relationship

Wednesday, 26^th April

Ben woke me early. We did not have time for a leisurely morning. We both had appointments at the gym. I used the sauna while Ben did some shopping. We met to go home together. I cooked lunch. Ben had homework to do. It was a quiet lunch. Afterwards he wanted to do some more studying and went to his room. I went upstairs to do some work myself. Ben turned up with one of the exercise books he uses to write his diary. He explained he had thought about our discussion, and his talk with B made him understand me, but it took him some time to make the decision. He told me I could speak to Barbara or have the privilege to read the section about his dream in his diary I had to find it myself, as he did not want to know. He thought if I knew, I could help him if he is confronted by a rubber situation. I had not expected that! I thanked him for trusting me with his diary. I laid it to the side. I had to think about it. After about an hour I suggested we take a break. We went for a walk.

Ben prepared dinner. Afterwards he wanted to talk. He said he is tired of being him. The time with Ruth had been so intense. Me going back to work. If he could leave himself behind, just for a few days. I suggested maybe he could go on a retreat, maybe even somewhere warm. He was not keen, as he did not want to be with strangers. We tossed a few ideas around, when he suddenly suggested he could go to Dalarna. I thought it was an excellent idea. I said what about school? He reckoned he can cope. We phoned Trude and she was happy to have him there. He is going on Friday morning. Wow.