Being back to normal

Sunday, 6^th May

I did not sleep very well. I heard Ben get up to do his yoga. Then I fell asleep. He told me he had come to wake me, but realised I was deep, so left it. When he came back he started by touching my hand and stroking the inside of my arm. I was tempted to pull him into bed with me, but also wanted to see how he continued. He moved to my tattoo. He unintentionally tickled me and I had to laugh and move away, so broke the spell. He had a coffee ready for me, as usual. He was already dressed, just some joggers and a t-shirt. It is still quite cool at night and first thing in the morning. In the summer we both sleep naked, and he even does yoga in the nude. He said he had not slept very well, his pillow did not seem to support him properly. Ups, I must have put the wrong one back! I confessed I had borrowed his, to cuddle up to. He replied, that's ok, but can I have it back now, you have got the real thing to cuddle up to now. It takes a strong character to be so submissive.

We had breakfast at our table, it was the first time in just over a week that I sat there again. Ben wanted to write his report, he had made notes, but now needed to put it all together. I set him up in the office. He saw the quote from the gardener. He was shocked by the price. He still finds it difficult sometimes to relate to money. As he never earned a salary or had to pay taxes or household bills, he somehow does not comprehend what is a huge amount, say, compared to your monthly income. He can judge if food is expensive, or clothes. But abstract things like the builders invoices, he cannot really judge. And he is still sometimes calculating how much that would be in Canadian Dollars, then it means something to him. It took me a while when I was in Boston. For example when I was looking for a flat. The rents seemed cheap to me, and then I calculated how many percent of my salary it was , and suddenly it was not cheap! So I went through it with him. It is still a lot of money. He offered to pay some towards it. I accepted. He gets that amount in interest over 2 or 3 months.

Yesterday it had been nice weather, today the wind had changed and it was coming in cold from the east, they had forecast rain storms. We had a quiet day at home. In the afternoon I put Ben into his sleep sack, on the floor in the living room. He had looked through some stuff in the play room. I had told him to see if we want to sort some things out. Like, we have a range of hoods, still from Arne. Many actually made to his design by a local craftsman. He wanted to test one, so we put that on as well. I sat in a chair beside him and rested my feet on him. Sometimes I put more pressure on him, being careful where I position them. Sometimes I rubbed his genitals. The purpose was to get him back from his bondage nirvana. A few times it took a while to get a response, and I had to tell him to be vocal. I was reviewing my notes for my lectures next week. I had just been to the toilet when I heard a noise in our porch. It was Stine with Django, it had just started to hail and they had sought refuge there.

I invited her in, but then thought I better check with Ben. Having Django suddenly run into the room and approach him was not such a good idea. So I gently spoke to him, it took a few seconds for it to register. He was ok with them coming in. I told Stine to keep Django on the lead and introduce him gently to Ben. Actually, I had to do it as Stine was taken aback by the situation. She assured me the hail had stopped, she can go home. Django was lying next to Ben, they looked quite cute together. I suggested we sit at the dining table, then she would not see him. She agreed to that. We talked about work and my lectures. By the time she was ready to go, she had relaxed. She even went over to Ben and said goodbye to him.

I took him out about 20 minutes later, he needed the toilet and his shake. He decided we should keep the hood and use it more often.
He asked me to read his report. I made a few suggestions how he could word things better. There were some spelling mistakes. I left those for his teacher to correct. He does not write very well, one can see it in his blog. Considering he has learned Swedish for not even 2 years, he has done very well indeed.

I am working at the hospital tomorrow and then do 3 days at the University. I am as nervous as a virgin bride.

A happy re-union

Saturday, 5^th May

I had some porridge for breakfast today. I went to the gym and to the sauna afterwards. I knew Ben would not arrive until after lunch. Porridge is a slow releasing food, so good breakfast for having before exercise. I had a message on my phone from my aunt with his arrival time when I got ready after my gym session. I put my device on when I got dressed. I was on my own in the dressing room, and then someone came in. I was nearly finished so just continued. He openly looked at me. I asked him did he want some more information about chastity? He turned deep red and left. When I left a member of staff asked to talk to me. The guy had complained. I was told the gym does not care about the complaint, I can wear a device if I want to. We have been through this before with Ben, and they have always supported us.

I came home as I wanted to drop my gym stuff off. I bought some flowers at the station, with lots of red roses in. I have not given him flowers since his birthday. I did not have time to get lunch, I made it to Central Station in good time and had a hot dog there. The train was 10 minutes late.

I was nervous what mood Ben would be in. He had hardly talked to me all week. We had not messaged, I think I mentioned mobile phone reception on the farm is bad. Anyway, he does not like sending messages. He rather makes a call. He has a very basic phone without e-mail and internet and instant messaging or whatever it is the youngsters seem to be constantly tapping away and looking at. It really annoys me, walking down the road, people stare at their phones all the time!

I guess I am of a different generation. I have a smart phone, but I rarely use the modern functions.

I never got into computer games either. Surprisingly, my last boyfriend was a computer game creator. But he liked that I was not into it, and when he came home to me he was able to switch off. I guess that is one reason why he liked bondage, it made him switch off and be quiet.

A lot of people came off the train, as I did not know which wagon he was on, I had positioned myself in the middle. My phone went off, it was Ben (yes, he has his own ringtone). I was fumbling for it when I was embraced from behind. Sneaky guy. He was grinning broadly and we shared a passionate kiss. I must admit, I felt relief. He was obviously happy to see me. Now I am thinking, why was I doubting it? He had not expressed a wish to be away from me. He had wanted some time away. We had talked about going away together. But a little bit he had wanted some distance from me as well, I think.

I suggested we take a taxi, as we had his bag. The train earlier had been quite busy. We did not talk much whilst walking to the taxi. I carried his bag and held his hand with my other hand. Almost to make sure he does not run off. I wanted to claim him again. He is mine, my boy, my slave.

The journey in the taxi is quite short as we can take the express way. I had my hand lying in the middle, and Ben's hand crept slowly towards mine until we were holding hands. I noticed his wedding band and started playing with it. I made a comment that I had expected him to loose it. He was quite upset. He explained how much it means to him, and one reason why he does not wear it is because he does not want to loose it. He said he took it off when he worked on the farm and gave it

to toy Owe to look after. I had to smile. He can be so innocent! See, that is what I mean, he sometimes comes out with these childish innocent comments, and I just want to hold him and protect him. He explained about toy Owe. He talked quietly, I had to lean over. For one so that the taxi driver could not hear us, and I think he was a bit shy about it, even towards me. So I will not elaborate about it here. It was a special moment between us. We were nearly at home now. We were holding hands in the back of the taxi, and there was electricity between us. I could not wait to get home.

He was pleased about the flowers. I could not hold back any more and ordered him into the playroom. We were all over each other, trying to undress the other person. He was surprised to see my device and then smiled knowingly. We had some difficulty getting it off as I was soo hard. Why did I put it on!?! I strapped him to the fucking bench (yes, I took my time to strap him in) and the first session was fast. Fast and hard. GoooD! Next I wanted to take it slower, so I released him and strapped him onto the chair. The time it took to do that made us both even more horny. He has such control over his body, he made me enter his vagina. I wanted his anus again, but he pushed down on the chair. I did not care, a wet hole is a wet hole. He has more control over his muscles in his anus, so can influence, sometimes determine, how it goes. With his vagina I am more in control. Again, it was sex. Raw sex. Afterwards I got us a drink, while he was still strapped in. Giving him the drink, he totally went into sub space, and I felt I controlled everything. I did not hold the glass very well for him to drink out of, and it spilled all over. I licked it up. It was so erotic. I released his hands and he knew that I wanted to be touched and stroked by him. He gave himself to me. I do not know how long we spent like this. It must have been a good couple of hours. He should go away more often if it is like this! Although we can have sessions like this normally as well! I remembered I better get his collar. I told him to get ready for me while I fetch something from the safe. When I returned he was kneeling, with his hands behind his back, his head bent. I made it into a little ceremony. I gave him some rules, how I expect him to be a good slave. Most things he does anyway, but it is always good to enforce it. Like, I expect him to keep house, do the shopping, do laundry, and most of the cooking. Always be available to me. Keep himself fit and well groomed for my pleasure. He replied “yes Master” eagerly. When I mentioned “not talk too much unless it is free speech” he hesitated. I explained he had been a bit vocal lately and that we have to enforce it again. I know it is difficult for him, but it is one of the rules! And there should be one rule that he breaks and I can punish him for! Most of the time I am quite slack when it comes to his chatter. I often enjoy it. And it can be too quiet if he is behaving himself. But I wanted to mark this. He agreed to all my rules and was happy to have the collar fixed on. I put the key around my neck. My collar.

It was time for his shake and I needed some nourishment too. We had some fruit. He opened his mouth as if to say something and then changed his mind. I allowed him to talk. He said he had milk fresh from the cows udder all week and it was delicious and did not cause him any trouble and he would miss it. He told me about how he helped with milking and what a strange world it is. He had tried the milking device by putting his fingers in it, and did not think it was a good thing to stick your dick in, although one would suspect some lonely farmers would do that. It is like sticking your dick into a vacuum cleaner, it just sucks and would hurt. Had I ever treated anyone with a funny object up their arse? Goodness me, see what I mean with I have to enforce the rule about him not talking too much? He stopped himself and apologised. I had to smile. I confessed I wanted to hear all about his week on the farm so today was free speech. We decided to go out for pizza. We held hands whilst going to the pizza place. I felt like a teenager again. I am so lucky to feel like this after almost 2 years together. And the first 6 months or so we were an odd couple, so does it count? Anyway, we had a good time catching up at the restaurant. We ordered a pizza and asked for a quarter to be done without cheese. They know us now and it is no problem. It was busy with families. Ben kept touching his throat and collar, and I finally asked him if it was ok, was it maybe not in the right position, is it bothering him? He said no, it fits fine, he just liked the feel of it. He had taken his ring off and left it in his room. I commented on it, and he said he knows it is safe in his room. Usually we sit opposite each other, this time I sat next to him. I wanted to be close, to be physical. I think we upset a few of the parents. So what, the kids should learn that there are other relationships possible!

I told Ben about my evening at the club and the erotic massage lady. He was very interested. I said I might book her for M/s night, he thought it was a good idea.

He enquired about my first week back at work. He said he was sorry he was not there for me, to support me. I said it was ok, maybe it was even better that he was not here. That way I was able to concentrate on myself. We stayed for another drink, I fancied a beer and Ben had a small cider. He got all giggly. Oh, one thing that really upset the people sitting next to us, that I had noticed Ben's hair was overdue for a hair cut. We had let it grow a bit for his mothers visit. I told, no ordered him to get it sorted on Monday. He replied “Yes, Master”. We got a really stern look from the mother. For goodness sake, your children were not even paying attention! It could have been a joke between us!

We were both wearing leather trousers. So what?! Yes, I know, I have a problem with it. I should embrace it more! Now that I am going back to work, I am in a conflict. I will have new colleagues at the University. How much do I disclose? I guess I have to wait and see. I mean, as well, no one goes around and says: Hi, I'm .. and I am a hetero! So why is it expected of us to kind of “announce” it.

When we got home Ben wanted to unpack his bag. Yes, he had left it until then!! He said he had washed most at the farm as it was really dirty and smelled of animals. He had enjoyed helping out, and being with Dog. He wanted to have an early night as he had been up during the night help a cow have her first calf. He said he really likes cows, they are special animals. I suddenly remembered we should phone Trude, to say he had arrived safely and to thank her. So we did, we did not talk much, it was late. He went and got ready and then came to say goodnight. He embraced me and thanked me for making the last week possible. And he thanked me for his life in Stockholm, with me. He was very happy. I sat for a while just enjoying that. We are very lucky. Considering how we got together. It still amazes me, and makes me so happy.

Progress

Friday, 4^th May

I met with my accountant today. The deposit has arrived. I have had a few people interested in some furniture, and had gotten back to them and arranged for some items to be picked up today. I had lunch with P/L. They had a postcard from Ben from Dalarna! I told them about the new tenants. They do not remember the guy. He was not in the close group of friends, and they were not really involved with Arne's friends. Their friendship with Arne was separate. He has decided to buy all of the gear we have at the flat. I have made him a good price. They will move in in mid June, they live in South Africa at the moment. I went to the gym, and then had some more buyers to get some furniture. It was quite sad to see it go, but I am happy that I can help young people starting out with some good quality second hand furniture. I will be very sad not to be at the flat any more. We had a good time here earlier this year. This is where I have lived for a very long time. I had 2 previous boyfriends stay here often. Ben had his first home here. Anyway, we are happy at the house! And we can always end the tenancy and move back, if we change our mind!

Ben is coming home tomorrow! I was just tidying up after dinner (another helping from the freezer), when he rang. He asked if it is ok if he comes back. Of course it is! He asked how I have coped. I did ok. He sounded happy, but kept himself short again. He passed me on to my aunt. She explained that he was playing a board game with the kids and they are allowed to stay up a bit longer to finish the game. She told me what they had been up to. He has helped around the farm and the kids and Dog loved having him there. He helped with milking, but realised soon that some jobs were too physical for him. He helped her get the cottage ready for holiday makers, and she had to stop him cleaning it to operating theatre sterile standards. She says he has been eating well, he was hungry due to all the fresh air and work. She mentioned before she even knew he was coming she had found a stuffed toy of mine, washed it and had it ready. She gave it to me when I moved there after my mother died and I remember it well. She had put it on Ben's bed. He loved having it, especially when she told him it used to be mine. One evening she came past his room and could hear him talking. At first she thought he was on the phone, but the reception is so bad, it was unlikely. Then she thought he was talking in his sleep. She peeked around the open door and could see him talking to the stuffed toy, addressing it as Owe, telling it about his day! Oh, my darling! We finished the conversation and I cried. After I calmed down I noticed we never talked about what time he will arrive. So I phoned back, and Trude answered. She explained they had not decided on a train, they go frequently enough. Is it ok to phone me and let me know once he is on the train? Of course, it is fine.

I was so excited, I could not settle. I ended up sorting through some boxes of toys in the playroom. I threw a whole box of plugs and dildos away. Did some poor anus really take those? I will ask Ben to have a look through some stuff and maybe sort it out. There are some items we never use.

An interesting experience at the club

Thursday, 3^rd May

It feels different to be back at work, as I know it is long term now. I did operations today, just routine stuff. We had some good banter. I came home and cooked!

Yesterday I had eaten at the hospital, so kind of had the evening to myself. I decided to go the club. I did not bother to check what is on. So I stumbled into a hetero couple night. They had organised to have a talk by a massage therapist. I was chosen as a volunteer for her to demonstrate on. Oh, it was nice! Then we had a break and the 2^nd part was about erotic massage and touch. Ohoh. She offers courses to couples or to groups. I asked if she was prepared to come to a men only night. She is open to it. We had a good talk. She has never had a gay couple in her classes, and we talked a bit about bondage and it's effect. She has no experience there. I asked her how she got into it; her husband has a stoma and had other health issues, so full sex is difficult. She mentioned that a lot of people who come to her do so after health issues, and scars are often an issue. Do I know it!

Our new space, with it's little stage, worked really well for someone like her to give a presentation, and I think it would be popular to invite more speakers. I am just glad I did not try to go on Tuesday, it was the dykes evening. They actually hire the space from us and bring their own staff in.

Update II

Tuesday, 2^nd May

What a long day I have had! I had set 2 alarm clocks, thankfully. I slotted in well, thanks to my recent shifts. After work I went straight to the gym. I was able to have some dinner at the Centre.

They knew that Ben is away as he had talked with Sabine on Thursday. It was nice to be there and switch off, from my busy day and from missing Ben. B. asked if I wanted a private talk, but I think he has counselled Ben so often, I want to keep it separate, he is Ben's counsellor. Better go to bed, another early start tomorrow.

Update

Monday, 1^st May

Today is the first of May and in Sweden it is a public holiday. We are having nice weather. I had breakfast outside. I phoned my doctor friend, but he already has a client. I scoured the internet and found an exhibition at the museum I would not mind seeing. I have to keep busy. I have put the device back on, I want to get used to it. I took Ben's pillow to bed with me last night. I miss him terribly. I miss the companionship.

This afternoon I did some cleaning. I do not want Ben to come back to a dirty house, so I am trying to keep on top if it. Not that I am making much mess. I made myself a veggie drink. We had a few which needed to be used. I have got my clothes ready for work, and all the stuff I usually kept at the hospital. Shoes, extra shirt, wash bag. It does not feel real, I am going back to work.

Tonight Ben phoned me to wish me a good day tomorrow. He asked if I am going to go to meditation, which I confirmed. He did not give me a chance to ask him any questions, or to chat. He hung up quickly. I was disappointed. I stopped myself from ringing back, or phoning my aunt.