Sunday, 23rd April
Ben is cleaning the guest room at
the moment. I am in the office, catching up.
Ruth called, she has arrived safely
at home.
Yesterday turned into quite a
session for Ben and me, I made sure we established a Master/slave
routine again. During Ruth's visit of course we were a bit slack. I
unconsciously touched and kissed Ben more than we usually do. Did I
have to prove to Ruth we are a loving couple? I definitely do not
have to prove it to Ben, I know he almost prefers not showing our
love like that.
I slowly re-introduced Ben to come
out of his head space yesterday by lifting the blanket in sections.
I released him from the restraints,
the collar, gag and earplugs slowly, over about 10 minutes.
I had changed into my boots and
just wore a harness and gloves. Ben likes it when I wear gloves. They
are a snug fit and quite thin, so I can do restraints up easily. I
can also almost feel his skin and his goosebumps through the fabric.
I was aroused; being nude and with an erection was making it even
more exciting. I told him to meet me in the playroom when he was
ready. I heard him go to the bathroom and then he shuffled into the
room. I was on the chair, stroking my hard penis.
He knew instinctively what I
wanted. He licked my inner thighs and kissed them, his hands on his
back. I had put the knee pads on the floor and he was kneeling on
them. He took my balls into his mouth and caressed them. He moved
down the perineum and started to rim me. I had cleaned myself out
earlier. He looked at me to get approval, I nodded to him to proceed.
He took his time, edging me several times. MMMMHH!
After I came he was still caressing
me and it was sooo nice. I pulled him up and he climbed on top of me,
we kissed and stroked each other for a while. He was getting aroused.
I thought about letting him fuck himself, but decided against it. I
ordered him to get into position, he was able to choose some
restraints. I secured him to the fucking bench. I used my fingers
first, his vagina was very wet. He would have enjoyed being fucked
there, but I wanted his anus. Finally I was ready and entered him,
having lubricated him with his own secretions. I took my time. I
wanted him to orgasm, and he needs some time. I know if I had chosen
his vagina, he would have come earlier, and it would have not been as
nice for me.
I needed the bathroom, and stopped
to get a drink. I half released Ben and gave him a drink. After being
strapped to the bench and being in the cage, he needed to stretch. He
was sweaty, and looked quite tired. We got changed into clothes and I
ordered him to rest on the sofa while I prepared dinner. He had a
look through the paper, but I knew his ability to concentrate on
reading it had gone. He was not very hungry and we sat over dinner
for quite some time while he slowly ate. It is my rule that he has to
finish what I put on his plate. He cleared up after dinner. I found
us a programme to watch on tv and we quite enjoyed it. By 9pm he was
struggling to stay awake. I know, 9pm! I suggested we go to my bed
and we cuddle up. He fell asleep quite quickly. I felt like a parent
watching the child sleep. I found a film to watch and came to bed
late. Ben woke up and I decided to be Master and sent him to his bed.
I was actually quite tired too and looked forward to stretching out.
This morning we had our usual
routine. Ben had waited for me and we had a shower together. We had a
nice, long breakfast with home made pastries. It was sunny, with rain
forecast for later, so I decided to mow the lawn. A couple of our
leylandi have not survived the winter. They are on the side where we
will have our new neighbours, quite far down towards the lake. My
gardener is coming next week anyway to cut them, so I will ask his
advice what to do with the gap.
Our neighbours have dropped us a
plan with a blueprint for the building, with “artists drawing”
and everything. Very considerate. It is going to be huge glass box.
Should be interesting.
I have had a comment about the
frame I described that we used on the bed. The reader reckons on an
unstable surface like a mattress it is not very comfortable, for the
slave and the dominant. Well, of course Arne considered this when he
had this piece of equipment made! I do not think he bought anything
off the peg. In his day he did not have the internet and everything
was a bit more complicated. One had to subscribe to magazines which
came in brown envelopes with the mail, or knew people. That is why he
started the club. There was nothing like it before. And there is
nothing like it since, not here in Stockholm. Good for us, I guess.
It means we get enough business.
I had the numbers from Martin from
the Easter weekend. Kristoffer said they had a few people come down
during the day and were disappointed to find the place closed, they
would have used the outside. But we were not set up for it. Most
people – I guess – would have expected hot drinks and maybe
cakes. We do not cater for that. To be honest, in the summer we could
probably attract the families, but we would strictly have to keep
them outside. That means toilet facilities and everything. Definitely
not this year. Maybe not ever. Yes, we still do our family day, but
that is for members.
It is much later in the evening.
Earlier today the slave came to see me with a cup of tea and
requested he needed to tell me something. I was kind of expecting a
revelation about something. All the talks with Ruth must have brought
up some memories or plans. It turned into a long situation. I am
still trying to figure out how it all happened and how we go forward
from this. I think it is too fresh to write about it, although it
might help me to get my thoughts in order. Here goes:
The slave confessed to me that back
in December when he first came he had remembered in a dream why he
reacts so strongly to puppies and rubber. He had decided then not to
tell me the reason and now wanted to tell me this. He felt guilty for
keeping a secret from me. When I asked him what the reason/dream was,
he was quiet for a while and then rushed to the bathroom, where he
was sick. I left him to it. He was rinsing his mouth when I came in.
I enquired what had made him sick, he said he does not know, he
thinks it has something to do with the memory. He wanted some fresh
air and went into the garden. I made some peppermint tea and joined
him. We sat on the terrace and I had to bring it up again. I wanted
to know more. He was uncomfortable. He asked why did I always need to
analyse everything. He had been through it all week with Ruth, and he
was tired of it. He cannot remember what causes him to dislike
puppies and rubber. His mind has locked that information away again
after that time in december. I was not sure why he had come to me
with his confession then. What was he trying to tell me? He
explained, that I know so much about him. His problems, his family,
his anxiety. Ben hardly knows anything about me, my past,
ex-boyfriends, what shaped me. When he asked, I would usually answer,
but not elaborate. I pondered that, and yes, I am not very
forthcoming with stuff. So, he had decided to keep this information
from me, it was a very personal experience and I just have to accept
his aversion and live with it. He has no desire to explore it or do
therapy. He just wanted me to know that he had kept it from me and
now he thought it was not right that he knew he kept something from
me. ??? I was confused. I kept probing. He got quite angry. He said
I sometimes treat him too much like a child, or someone stupid. Ouch.
He immediately retracted, said he likes being submissive, and
sometimes likes to hand over and be like a child. But we had to find
the balance.
We were both quiet for a while. My
mind was still coming back to the first question. Why not tell me,
and tell me now. He had remembered something which had a huge effect
on his life, and now he cannot remember it. So why tell me at all?
He got up: I would like to go for a
walk. I thought it was a good idea. He said: no, I would like to go
on my own. I realised he was asking for permission. I asked him to
make sure he had his phone and it was charged. I got a look. Ah, I
treated him like a child again.
I came back upstairs, but could not
settle. So I went for a walk. Ben had said he was going to go towards
town. My walk took me to Stine and Torben. They were working in their
front garden and invited me in for coffee. Of course they asked about
our week with Ruth and I was able to talk about my current upset.
They sided with Ben. I just had to accept it. Everything.
So that is what I am trying to do.
I am still curious what the dream was. I have always been curious to
know what caused his aversion.
It was getting late, Ben had been
gone for about 3 hours. I checked to see where his mobile is. The
service could not detect it. So I checked his chip. It had a last
location of Mariatorget, a huge square in Sodermalm with a lot of
shops, bars and a big cinema and theatre complex. That was 90 minutes
ago. I told myself he is ok, he is an adult. When he came home I
confessed I had checked on him. He had been to the cinema, so of
course he had switched the phone off. We were not impressed with the
GPS chip. Should it have detected him inside the building? Or does it
in general not work to pinpoint locations? I might contact the
Schloss to clarify that.
We had a good evening together. We
did not talk again about that issue. For him, I think, the topic is
finished. It will take me a while longer. He has quite a pragmatic
view of life. What will happen will happen. Your life is pretty
mapped out, events happen for a reason to shape our life.
He has been in his room writing his
journal for quite a while. Maybe the topic is not finished. I am sure
we will get back to it this week. Or at least talk about our
relationship. We have touched on that and not brought that to an end.
This was a real fight. A relationship defining fight. Oh, I need to
finish this. I am getting myself into twists here. I just hope I can
sleep and banish all these worries.
