Toronto

Friday, 4^th November

After a leisurely morning we are now in a train on the way to Toronto. We are meeting Barbara and Erik at the hotel, they are driving down. Ben is very excited. We had a lovely dinner last night. We just enjoyed being together yesterday. We had sex. It was very good. Ben told me he loves me. It is always precious when he does.

We are at the hotel, we have to wait for a room to be ready, apparently there has been a pile up and the lorry with linen is stuck. We do not need the beds, we would like to drop our cases and freshen up. We are having a snack in the bar, they have made Ben a shake. Everywhere it has been no problem at all to get shakes done. We just say he has a digestive disorder and needs it. Of course we always pay, as we need milk for it.

Finally, I am back and I want to write my diary tonight. We were at reception when Erik and Barbara came in. They made quite a scene. First Erik and Ben were hugging and kissing, then Ben and Barbara. And I mean full on kissing.

I guess the onlookers expected me to kiss them as well, but we just hugged. I do not know Erik very well.

They had to meet with the events organiser to finalise the memorial, and we both checked in and freshened up. We met in their room, they had been upgraded. I did not realise Erik and Ben were so close, they were sitting together on the bed, Erik had Ben embraced. Ben noticed and came and sat with me. Ben noticed what? Jealousy? No, but I felt it was,...inappropriate? Well, as I said, I did not realise they were so close. I have always been monogamous, even when I was a slave. We might have played with others, but I never had sex with our friends, it was just bondage. I know about their lifestyle, it has never bothered me, then I have just heard about it. Now that I am part of it, it is different. I know Ben is not interested to be shared by me, but if I wanted him to, he would do it.

We had dinner in the restaurant, amongst other topics we talked about our trip so far, Ben kept his report of meeting his mother short. He has managed to not talk too much on this trip.

We were going back to our rooms when Ben and Erik were whispering. Ben asked me if I minded if he and Erik stayed the night together. I was very surprised. Barbara encouraged me to say yes. We phoned reception to see if they had another room available. They did, I asked them to add it to my bill. They sent a porter with the key, how kind. Ben packed some things together. He kneeled in front of me, was I really ok with it? It was a chance to say goodbye to Erik. I assured him it was ok. I rather wanted it to happen now, then hang over us all week. I know Erik is clean, but I still asked him to use condoms. It is a small signal that Ben is mine. I do not know why, but I had some in my washbag, I gave them to him. He gave me a deep kiss and left.

A day in Montreal

Thursday, 3^rd November

We had a comfortable journey yesterday and arrived at our hotel rested. We had dinner at the hotel, hotel restaurants are not as bad as their reputation.

This morning we had our appointment, the guy who served us had met Ben before, and we had already discussed our design, so it was quite straight forward. They guy remembered Robert and had heard about the memorial service. Ben excused himself, he needed some time. Of course it is the anniversary of his death today, I explained it. We were finished, so I met Ben in the lobby, he had composed himself. We went for a coffee ( very nice!) and then Ben wanted to light a candle for Robert. He just picked the first church we came to, he said Robert was not religious at all.

We went to the “gay quarter”, had some lunch there and a snoop around some shops. Nothing took our fancy, we did find a copy of one of Ben's films in a book shop! It was in the second hand section. Ben had an urge to look through the box, his psychic ability had kicked in again. I did not realise his movies were so popular that people made pirate copies! It was the only one he found. It had a nice professional sleeve, with a photo which clearly identified him. Ben demanded to see the manager, the shop assistant was not very helpful getting him, as Ben would not tell him why. Ben told him to call him or he would notify the police that they are selling pirate movies. Finally the manager showed up, he could not remember where he got it from, it was probably a box lot. He promised to remove it and any further copies he found. He was quite perplexed to have the “star” actually standing in front of him. Ben apologised to me, does it embarrass me to be with a porn star?

I said as long as he does not make a habit of outing himself, I am ok. He answered, well he was working on it to erase that part of his life, but it happened and he will not deny it.

We went back to the hotel and I used the gym. Ben used the time to write his diary. Tonight we are going to a restaurant. I am glad we are spending some time in South River with Barbara and Erik and will be able to have home cooking.

Travel day

Wednesday, 2^nd November

We are on the train to Montreal.

We snuggled up in one bed yesterday, then I left and moved into the other one. Ruth had remarked how easily Ben slipped from English to Swedish. We do not really notice which language we use, sometimes we mix it up. I thought we would both automatically speak English here, but we do use a lot of Swedish. Ben's American accent is more pronounced when he speaks English, that was quick! Sometimes people overhear us speaking Swedish, and then he will say something in American, and they realise he is a native, and are all surprised.

We chose to go by train so we can see the New England autumn. It is glorious. I have never been on a long distance train in America, it is very nice and comfortable. We had to change at Albany, and we have rather large suitcases. There were porters on hand, we had made sure we had plenty of small notes to tip. We had a late lunch on this train, it was very good.

We have an appointment at Steelwerks tomorrow morning, the rest of the day we will do sightseeing.

We meet Ben's mother

Tuesday, 1^st November

So, we are finally back at the hotel. What an eventful day.

I showed Ben the footage yesterday, he had never heard of this fetish. I have once seen a documentary, that's why I recognised it. He was more surprised by the cleaning fetish. Even he thought it was ridiculous. I tied his ropes again and we went to bed. This morning he had to force himself to eat something. We both woke up early and had plenty of time, so he took his time and managed some porridge, scrambled eggs and toast.

We took the train to Anyers, and Father Morris picked us up. He is much younger than I expected. We had arranged to meet at his house. Ruth arrived just a few minutes after us. She nearly squeezed Ben to death! She could not let go of him, she kept saying she cannot believe he is there in flesh and blood. Again, she looked and acted so different from what I had expected, although we had some recent photos. She cut her hair off. Apparently women do that when they break off with a man.

Father Morris and I left them alone, I chatted with him for a while, and then went off to look at the town. Gosh, it really is a small town! I was back for lunch, Ben and Ruth hardly managed to eat, they were talking so much. After lunch Ben wanted to go to the cemetery. I gave them some privacy, he laid some flowers on his sisters and nieces grave. They are buried together. We went back to Father Morris, he supplied us with tea and cookies. The man is a saint, putting up with us. I did say, how can we thank you, and he said, well, the church is collecting for a new heating system. I promised him a donation.

Ruth had admitted to Ben earlier that it was her who had locked him into his room that fateful summer. Ben had always assumed it was his father. She did it as she did not want him to run off again. She was worried it was all her fault: the delayed operation and that he has a stoma, that he did not trust them and ran away because of it. Ben assured her he forgives her. She asked me, if he had had the surgery earlier, would he have been alright? I had to tell her I was not that familiar with the case, Barbara might know better. She wanted to know a lot about Ben's life in Canada, I think she was satisfied he is happy now, with me. When Ben went to the bathroom, I asked her about the obituary, why Ben was not mentioned. She confirmed Jonathan had put pressure on the journalist to omit him. She was not happy about it and has had many arguments with her sons since her husbands death, but she does not want to fall out with them as well.

Finally everyone was all talked out and we had taken up Father Morris's time enough. Ruth drove us back to the station. She made me promise umpteenth times to look after Ben. We assured her we would come back to Boston regularly, and want to see her in Stockholm soon. We can pay for the flights. I nearly had to drag them apart when the train came.

Ben was exhausted, elated but tired. We had dinner in the hotel, very quiet. The barman was kind enough to make him a shake. He wanted to go for a walk, it was good for both of us.

First night in Boston

Phew, we are back at the hotel after dinner at my father's house. The boy has asked to be tied up and is entertaining me by struggling with the ropes.

I had a couple of hours sleep when we arrived at the hotel. The flight was uneventful, I did manage to snooze a bit. The boy slept soundly, I had to wake him up. Immigration was fine, it did not take too long. Our hotel is near the centre, close enough to the station for tomorrow to go to Anyers, and my fathers' house. The boy went for a walk after we had arrived, I went to sleep. He treated himself to some Chowder, I had said we will most likely get some at my fathers' house, but he loves it. He bumped into a friend of his sisters' in a juice bar just outside the hotel. The friend had moved away before finishing Highschool and did not know his sister had died. He updated her on his situation and she was surprised to hear he was with a man. She said when they were younger her circle of friends always thought he would end up a lonely geek. Nice.

He brought me a juice, which was very nice. We both had a shower and went to my fathers'. They had organised the dinner for quite early, her children live in the suburbs, but work in the centre, so it suited them as well, coming to the house straight after work.

The evening was not too bad, the children (they are in their 40s), were typical American friendly.

We talked about our life in general and politics. My father had warned them we are not drinkers, but I had a glass of wine with dinner, I thought it might help me go back to sleep tonight.

Stefan just sent me what he found on the flat's security tape. He said it was mostly someone coming home and not switching the alarm off in time, but once it kept running. He sent me some extracts.

The non doctor German is a clean freak, much, much worse than Ben. He put a surgical mask on, latex gloves, then big rubber gloves,a big rubber apron and cleaned the kitchen with, what looks like, a bleach spray. Cut: everywhere, literally everywhere, got vacuumed. Cut to later, a plastic sheet over the sofa (!), and both guys sitting there in full rubber doll outfits, making out! I did not know if to laugh or, actually, I cannot find a word now. I do not get it. Now I realise what was so strange about them, they were very close shaved, very preened.

I had to release Ben, he had to change his bag. I'll show him the footage, I hope it will not give him nightmares, with his aversion to rubber.

On our way

Monday, 31^st October

We are at Frankfurt airport.

I spent a lot of time yesterday calming down the slave. We had a very early start, our flight from Stockholm left at 6am, so we had to leave for the airport at 3am. I insisted he try to get some sleep before. I put him in his sleepsack in my room, with extra leather belts around him, it did calm him down. I let him pack my suitcase, he is very good at it, and it kept him busy. He asked me 6 times had I checked our passports, tickets etc?

He cleaned the house, Per and Lasse will move in while we are away to be here for the building work, why clean the house? At least he had something to do.

I was wondering, is he nervous about the travel and not having his routine, or is he nervous because we will meet his mother and his friends? I think it is a combination of both.

We have packed some gear, just 2 different gags, some restraints and rope. I will probably have to make quite some use of it. He has left his belt and collar on while we are travelling. It gives him security. At Arlanda this morning we did not have much hassle, I think they were to busy. We were asked about the packets of protein shake powder, we have a letter from his doctor explaining it is medication. We have 2.5 hours down time in Frankfurt, we are now at the gate waiting to board our expensive flight. The boy is in the bathroom. He is much calmer today. He even managed to have some breakfast.

We are mid air and the boy is asleep. We have one of these fold down bed-seats. I cannot sleep.

He said a prayer and crossed himself before take off. I guess once a catholic, it sticks with you.

We had our meal and the staff were very kind to do him a shake. We talked about what we are going to do next year, well, what I am going to do. A stewardess had come to me and asked if I was a medical Dr, I had forgotten that the ticket was booked as Dr. They like to know if they have a doctor on board for emergencies, and if I am prepared to help. I thought that was quite a nice gesture, I have never experienced that before. So far I am very impressed with this airline.

I cannot recall how we came onto that topic, I think he asked why I became a doctor. I actually had a look the other day on the internet if anything is advertised. For my speciality there are often jobs, and I am looking for part time only. Not many people choose anaesthesia, it is not glamorous. Of course I am looking in Stockholm only.

Well, I'll try to get some shut eye.

It's Ben's Birthday!

Sunday, 30^th October

We had a lovely birthday yesterday. I had instructed him to stay in his room, in Sweden it is traditional to wake the birthday person with a small cake in bed. I had laid the table the night before and decorated, as he has a tendency to wake up early. Well, he waited for me and was pleased with the cake and my singing. He loved the decorated table and balloons. He was slightly cross with me, he had said he did not want any fuss. He seemed a bit out of it, though. He threw his coffee mug over by mistake, usually he would be up immediately and get a cloth, he seemed confused by his mishap and did not react to mop it up. He said he was born at 5.55am, so considering the time change, he would not turn actually 30 until 11.55am. Or did that not apply? Does the universe care about time zones? So how do we know when we are born? I had ordered him a bunch of flowers, and when they came, he was appreciative, but scolded me for wasting money on flowers we would not be able to enjoy as we are going away. I told him we can enjoy them for 2 days, that is plenty. He did not know what to do with them. I had to get a vase and put them into water. I was getting concerned, he was so away with the fairies! I told him to have a shower while I tidied up. I could not hear him, so after a while I came and checked, he sat on bed, looking at his photos. If I had not known better, I would have thought he was high! We had a shower together, I thought about having sex, but he was barely functioning. By now the mail had arrived, we sat on the sofa opening his cards. I had asked everyone to send a card, as he did not want any presents, and they had arrived on time. He enjoyed opening them. He started to cry, he had never had so many cards. He knew I had instigated it, and told me off for it, but he was so pleased to get all the messages. A lot of them had a 30 on it, and he kept looking at that. Am I really 30? Now I was seriously getting freaked out. Ingrid phoned to wish him happy birthday. He thanked her and handed the phone back to me. I told her he is behaving very odd indeed, we might have to cancel the afternoon. He had gone to his room with his cards. I had just hung up and was looking for the number for the restaurant where we had booked for fika (coffee and cake), when I heard a bump from his room. When I reached him he was coming to, he had fainted. I do not know what made me check the watch, it was 11.56am. I fetched him a glass of water, which he sipped. He could not remember what had happened. He saw the cards and was surprised how many he had. I asked him could he remember getting the flowers? He could not. The breakfast table? No. He suddenly felt very tired. He laid down on his cot and was soon asleep. I was considering taking him to hospital, his symptoms could have been caused by a fit. But that meant we might not be able to fly on Monday. I phoned Per and asked his advice. I told him about his strange behaviour this morning and now the boy could not remember anything. Per suggested we all monitor him this afternoon, I should not panic. He reckoned it was one of his psychic episodes.

I woke Ben up after an hour, at first he was groggy, but came round soon. When he saw the flowers, he remembered getting them and telling me off. I asked him what else he remembered, like spilling the coffee? He said he did, the morning's events were like watching a very old film in his head.

He enjoyed his lunch and was back to normal. Per must have been right, it was one of his funny turns. After lunch we went off in the car, I parked in the car park of the restaurant and we went for a walk. When we came back he was surprised to see Stine and Torben's car there. I said, well I got the tip from them, this is a nice place. I had booked a small room for us, Per and Lasse, Ingrid, Stine and Torben were there. They sang happy birthday when we came in. Ben pretended to be angry at us, but his bright smile betrayed him. We had a present for him as well, we had bought a book with photos of Stockholm, and everyone had written a memory of their first year with Ben by their favourite photo. He loved it and was in tears as he hugged everyone. He got hiccups again and had to use meditation techniques to get rid of them. He had to wait to eat his cake, while we started. Torben paid for a bottle of bubbly, between us it was just enough for a small glass each. Stine asked: so do you feel any different having turned the big bad 30? I told them about his strange behaviour this morning, they would not believe me. Ben was able to recall he felt “out of himself”, and he told them how he had fainted when Robert died. Hmm, I cannot explain now what he said, it sounds too weird. And why did this not happen last year? Do we have to deal with this every year now? Does everyone's spirit, who moves to a different time zone, get lost on their birthday? I really hope this was a one off, and due to him being so anxious lately.

We stayed for about 2 hours. Ben and I came home, he thanked me for a nice surprise and not listening to him. We had just gotten home when Barbara and Erik phoned. There were more tears.

He had just hung up when Ruth phoned. She said she had the strangest experience, she woke up very early in the morning and felt so connected to him. And then just before 6am she was fine and finally went to sleep, and had just woken up. Ben told her of his out of body experience. They understood each other. He was so hyper after those calls, he wanted some time alone in the garden to collect himself. I fetched him after 20minutes, he can loose all sense of time and not feel the cold, either.

We had one more phone call, from Dalarna. I think Ben did not have any tears any more. He was glowing so much, you could have put him on top of a lighthouse during fog, he would have lit up the coast. He said he never experienced so much love for him. Then he went quiet, he said I wish Robert knew how happy I am. I assured him Robert was watching over him. We had something to eat, well, I did, he had a shake. Then I gave him my last present. It was the piercing bar. At first he thought I wanted him to have the other side done, then I explained I have made an appointment for me for when we are back to have it done. We spent the rest of the evening making love. What a stupid expression, We had SEX! Again and again and again, fantastic, bonding, mind blowing SEX!

I managed to stop him once from slipping out of bed, the second time he got away from me.

I find it frustrating, and on the other hand it keeps our relationship alive, he is mysterious.

Life continues normal

Thursday, 27^th October

The slave had to get up early to go to class. Apparently he tried to wake me, he had left a note on the breakfast table for me. Ingrid phoned me before her class to see how we are. I said I think we are ok again, or we are getting there.

We met at the gym, he went to his yoga class, I did my training. He has cancelled his sessions this week, to see if it helps him to put on weight. We went home together, we were fine. He is planning what he needs to take for the trip. He is quite anxious. I said to him to write things down will help him with the anxiety. We have e-mailed Barbara can she please get some of his medical stuff, then we do not need to take as much, and powder for his shakes.

I have contacted the airline, to check if they can cater for him, if we can have a shake on board. They said it will be fine.

Friday, 28^th October

The slave and I had a good talk again today. We just talked, we did not set out to talk about our problems. I explained how I felt a bit lost with my life, and our routine, or his life, was something I was able to control. He asked me what I wanted to do then with my life.

I guess I have to start thinking about it. We have a few months of planning the club coming up and the actual work, what am I going to do then? The houses are fine. Do I want to go back to work in a hospital? I enjoyed the summer, but maybe only because I knew it was for 2 months only. I could work part time. I could re-train. The truth is, I love my job.

I was checking my e-mails, when the slave came to the office with some tea. He sat on the edge of the chair, I knew he wanted to tell me something. I gave him permission to speak freely.

There are still so many things we do not know about each other. He told me about his uncle, who was the reason why he went to Canada. His uncle Jacob was also a hermaphrodite. They met only once, at his grandfather's funeral. Jacob was Ruth's older brother, he was an art teacher, and then moved to South River, where he sold tourist paintings. He lived with a woman, a native. Ben felt drawn to Jacob, and Jacob told him they had a special bond. At that time Ben thought that his uncle was also psychic, well, he must have been, how else did he know about Ben being a hermaphrodite?

When Ben was 19, nearly finished his first year of college, he had a letter telling him his uncle had died and left him some money, but Ben had to collect it in person in Canada. He left college and travelled to South River, where he met Clara, the woman his uncle had shared his life with. He stayed with her for a while and got a job in South River. The rest we know. He kept loosely in contact with Clara. After he had his operation he asked Clara about his uncle, he had seen photos of him dressed and made up like a woman. Clara explained how the feminine side in Jacob was very strong and he liked to live as a woman. He wants to see Clara when we are there, and he wanted me to know about her and who she is. I thanked him for telling me, he certainly has an interesting family. I wonder, how did his mother end up with his father, their families seem worlds apart.

We decided we wanted some photos for Barbara and Erik and his mother. We took some of the house, we went to Stine and Torben's, they were at work, but Ben has a key, so he can walk Django, which he had to do anyway. We took a photo of Django. We even went to the new club and took photos there. I uploaded them onto the notebook. Yes, I have given in and bought another device, that way we can both write our blog during our trip.

On the way home we stopped at the club, I wanted to speak to Martin about the building work. We are having a security system installed next week. We had noticed earlier it looked as if someone had tried to get in. The architect has promised detailed drawings and costings for when I am back.

As it was still early, hardly anyone was in the club. The slave was at the bar talking to Sven. Sven and his beau have broken up, the young man was playing around too much with other puppies. I am sorry for him, they were great together, but there was quite an age difference. I guess the slave and me being 8 years apart is about right.

We had to get home for some dinner, the slave needed something to eat. On the way we had passed a cinema and they had a special showing of Astrid Lindgren's Pippi Longstocking movies. We bought some tickets, quickly ate and came back to the cinema. It was a great atmosphere, people sang along to the opening titles and everything. It was great seeing the slave so happy.

We are getting it sorted

Tuesday, 25^th October

I met with Ingrid today, we had arranged to meet to talk about his birthday. I came to her flat, I cried on her sofa. The poor woman did not know why I was crying, until I finally calmed down and confessed everything. She could not give me any advise, but she offered to mediate. We have arranged for her to come to the house tomorrow.

The meditation group leader noticed the atmosphere between the slave and me, he had noticed the slave had been quiet last week as well. I told him we are having a rough time, it was my fault, we were getting professional help. He offered his help as well. I am very grateful, but I do not deserve their help. I feel very much the slave has turned on me, he is using his silence as punishment. I will never use silence as punishment again.

Wednesday, 26^th October

At breakfast I told the slave that we have to get ourselves sorted, we cannot carry on like this, and certainly not travel to Canada if we are not ok. Ingrid had suggested we write down in bullet points what bothers us, so we sat down separately and did that before she arrived. She had a word with the slave in private, he had closed his shutters on me. We sat on chairs in the corridor, Ingrid said it was a neutral space and free of distractions. She took our pieces of paper. Mine only said: Please forgive me and let me love you again. She showed me his paper. It was blank. Ingrid asked him gently if he had anything he wanted to say to me, in any language. He could not get a word out. She asked me to sit out of sight of Ben, and fetched the photo of us, the day after the wedding. She asked Ben, could he maybe tell that Owe how he felt. After a while he started to talk, very quietly at first. Why he did not write anything down is, he had nothing to say. He has forgiven me, but something in his brain did not allow him to show it, to be happy. His control mechanisms did not allow him to.

Ingrid invited me to join them again, and finally my mind cleared and I was able to explain how the photos of my Master had brought memories back, probably false ones, which made him a perfect Master, and I was trying to be like him. A lot of stuff came out, some surprised me. I am not going to repeat it here, I cannot, it is too painful. I said some things which hurt Ben. Good that Ingrid was there. He took it, he had nothing he accused me of. He admitted, I was not perfect, but he was happy. He does not want 4 weeks like that again, it is good to have some time, but it was too much. He had retreated and could not get out of this fix. Ingrid said it is typical behaviour for someone on the autistic spectrum. It was exhausting. Ingrid left and Ben and I went for walk. We walked to the supermarket and bought some food, and then went bus surfing. We got on a bus and got off at a random stop, found another bus, etc. It was good to do something so different. We were quite tired when we came home. Ben did not want to eat much, so we found some soup, which he had a few spoons of, with his shake. He has not managed to put any weight on yet.

We took a shower together and then sat and watched some tv. I think we are ok. He fell asleep on the sofa, I have to wake him. He is too heavy for me to carry him all the way to his room.

Is it all falling apart?

Sunday, 23^rd October

He did not stay the night in my bed, I noticed him leave about 2am. He did not relax with me.

I have to gain his trust again, just like a dog. I asked him what he wanted to do today. He just shrugged, he was happy to do what pleases me. I phoned Stine, if we could borrow Django for the day. I could detect a smile, he was trying to hide it from me. We took Django to the country, had a snack in a cafe and we talked a little about our trip. I brought it up, it was one reason why I had been in my mood. I think I was scared. We are going to his world. I will be the fish out of water. He is going to see his friends, his family. He had become so reliant on me, or I have projected it onto him, I sometimes treat him too much like a little child, which I need to make decisions for, whom I need to protect, physically and emotionally. It is also his birthday, he is turning 30. He needs to be a man.

It was all my fault. OARGH!!I cannot tell him how I feel inside, how wrong I have done him. I can only ask for him to forgive me and to love me again. And I have to be careful that my love does not consume him again, but to let him be his own person; still my slave, but with his own personality. It is like an arranged marriage, we had to work very hard. I was setting myself too high expectations.

There I was, with a fully “trained” slave. I had to fulfil his expectations, he came from a powerful Master. I tried to be a Master, then I fell in love with him. He always acknowledged me as his Master, he never let me down. I feel I let him down. I wrote the blog, telling other Masters how to respect their slaves, when I did not respect my own. He has faithfully stuck with me the last 4 weeks.

I am babbling here, I am trying to make sense of … what?

Well, he enjoyed being with Django, I tried to make it up to him by having Django, and Ben knows that. He – I want to say he hates me for it, but that's not true, it is not hate he feels, more pity?

We dropped Django off, we were like actors in a soap, pretending to Stine we were ok and had plans for the evening. He is still distancing himself from me. Is he punishing me now? We had a quiet dinner and he wanted to go to bed early.

Monday, 24^th October

He received a letter from Ruth today, he stayed in his room for a long time.

He showed it to me, it is a sad letter. She explained how Jonathan and Mark want to forbid her from having contact. She explained she cannot abandon them, and the grand children. At first I was afraid she was going to cancel our meeting. She still wants to go through with it, more than ever.

It was a bit like I feel, she probably had several attempts at trying to find the right words. It must have been so awful for her, to loose her son, secretly trying to keep in contact, burying her daughter.

I am still trying to sort my own thoughts. I stayed in my office a lot today, while the boy did his usual Monday chores. What can I do?

A significant evening

Saturday, 22^nd October

I have sent the slave shopping with the car. We actually do not need much, as we are going away. I have told him to buy stuff to stock up the flat. He looked at me puzzled, but he follows my orders willingly. I have made more decisions on my own recently. It has been hard on him lately, I can see it in his eyes. He is withdrawing from me. It is like he is going through a routine sometimes. It would have been like this if I had carried on like I did when he first came. I am going to have to stop this.

Last night was hard for him. I had warned Martin that I am going through something with the slave, and we will be different. I made him get changed at the club, some shorts, a wide belt to hide his bag, a harness over his shoulders attached to it, his hands in mitts and attached to the belt, and a muzzle with a wide collar. At first I kept him on a leash, then I put him into the cage. We usually have a slave in the cage during the night at some point. I watched him the whole time, he was fighting tears. I let him out ready to go home. I had ordered us a taxi and took him out with just a coat over him. At home I helped him get out of his gear and get ready for bed. We did not speak. He avoided looking at me. This morning he did not come into my room to wake me. When I got up and came to the kitchen for breakfast, he had already eaten. He excused himself and went to make my bed and tidy. Now I am sitting here trying to figure out how to explain my behaviour, when I do

not even know why I did it.

Later:

I took the boy for a walk when he came home. I did not even let him unpack the car. We went along the lake path, where the cafe is. I ordered us some hot chocolates. When I got to the table with the drinks, he was fighting tears. I wanted to hug him, embrace him, beg for his forgiveness. Instead I sat down opposite and explained calmly, I am not sure either why I treated him like an object for the last 4 weeks. I felt I had to do it. I had to put some distance between us. I cannot recall everything I said, it came out, from somewhere deep inside me. He must have understood, as he got his smile back. He said he thought he was being punished, and he could not figure out what he had done to deserve such a punishment. Finally I allowed myself to ask him for a hug, and he responded. We kissed for some time, but it was different. He was still not sure about me.

We had some lunch, he was still very quiet and almost like a dog who has been hit so many times he avoids drawing attention to himself. It will take some time to get us back on track. I drove us to the flat and we brought the stuff he had bought in and put them away. It still feels very soulless in the flat. I kept looking around, as if trying to find a clue what the Germans got up to here. Finally I had an idea. I phoned Stefan, could they have triggered the security cameras? Would there be footage on the hard drive? He could not remember the details of the cameras, so he is coming next week to check them out.

Now we are sitting in front of the fire, the slave has cooked us a nice meal. He is on the floor, reading. It feels peaceful. I will ask him to share my bed tonight, to bring us closer again.

More making plans

Tuesday, 18^th October

The slave has not gone to Yoga, he overdid it yesterday. I should have put my foot down, and forbid him to do the floors, but I had a moment of weakness, he has been such a good slave to me, without hesitation. He has not questioned my change in behaviour, not that he would actually challenge me on it, but he might try to protest subtly, or talk to Ingrid or Per about it, who would have mentioned it to me, out of concern for him. He is going soon to help at the centre. We had lunch and he is resting in his cell now.

The meeting with the architect was good, we have agreed on a basic layout. He had a good look around to see where the pipes are running at the moment etc. He took lots of photos and a young lady made some detailed drawings. We have offered them keys, so they can check things, but they prefer to meet one of us there. Hmm. They specialise in doing clubs, so hopefully he will have the expertise with sound systems, insulation, lighting etc.

I spoke to Ingrid after Ben had left to go to the Centre about his birthday. She had spoken to him as well, and he told her, too, he did not want any fuss. We still want to organise him something. He enjoyed his last birthday so much, even if the circumstances were unfortunate. It is on a Saturday. I know he would not like a party, we came up with an idea.

Friday, 21^st October

Tonight is M/s night. The slave has recovered from his exercise. He went to yoga and gym yesterday and today. We went to a photography exhibition on Wednesday. It was nice to do something like that together. I asked him again if he has changed his mind about his birthday. He said there was something he would like. Yes? For me to get that piercing. I did not expect that! I told him that was not possible. I have actually thought about it; after some initial soreness he has adjusted to his new piercings well. I played with his penis the other day, it did not hurt him, but it did nothing for his arousal either. Not that the rings ever did. He feels more comfortable with it, he says it is the best one he has had. As a teenager he would never have thought about having a piercing, and when it was first suggested to him, he did not see the point at all. He said it is not fair, his piercings give me pleasure, he assures me I will enjoy having it, it would give him more pleasure. I am not totally opposed to it, but it will certainly not happen before the flight.

He suggested he is getting his new belt for his birthday already. Quite, we have started talking about it last year though.

To keep with the theme of the last few weeks, I plan to keep the slave on a tight leash tonight, literally and metaphorically.

Life is changing

Thursday, 13^th October

I went clothes shopping today, it is nice to get a few new things. Seeing what I had packed away, I decided it was time to freshen up my wardrobe. I bought a few things for Ben as well. I suddenly thought to ask Barbara if there was a dress code for the memorial service, and for the wedding.

Saturday, 15^th October

Martin and I went to the site today, Ben has gone shopping with Ingrid. I bribed her into it. She has had an eye on a painting in an antiques shop where she sometimes helps. It will be her bribe, birthday and christmas present.

The work men have finished tearing things out, the bar is gone, all carpets, light fittings, all in built furniture. The kitchen is still there, the old owner could not sell it, so we agreed to take it. We basically paid him the scrap value. We have a meeting with the architect on site on Monday. He has drawn up some basic plans. The space seems bigger now, and looks really old. It will be more work than anticipated.

We have only had one of our existing staff interested in the live-on-site assistant manager job. Luckily it is the chap we had hoped would be interested, so we have appointed him. Martin is busy finding out some courses to train him up, like First Aid, Fire safety, management of people.

Monday, 17^th October

Ben is helping with Django this week, the kid is on a school trip. Ingrid was much happier with her little shopper, they did not buy much, he actually did not need much. Ben is using my time out of the house to give the floors a good once over. I told him, they will need doing anyway after the building work! We can get the professionals in. He wanted to do it anyway. He has been very good, adhering to my stricter routine. As he does not need to spend so much time in the evening with his colon, we have used the time in the play room. We have tried a few new positions. It certainly has been fun for me. Some of the scenes have been hard for him, but he has accepted everything. I do not know why I feel I have to assert myself, we have been good..... I was getting too close. The love for him was a physical pain. I had to distance myself, be more like my Master. It was looking at photos of my Master that made me change my behaviour. My Master would sometimes be more distant with me and play more with other slaves, of course I was jealous, I had to learn to keep that in check. He did not like me to get possessive with him, if I wanted to be the only one to receive his attention. The feeling I got when he paid attention to me again was great. The bigger the comedown when he left me again. He tormented me so much, psychologically. Now I think it made me stronger to cope with life. I can see now, Robert and Ben had such a strong bond all the time, it was so difficult for them to let go. Ben and I have built a very strong bond, but when we go to Canada, he will have to cope with all his memories. I guess unconsciously I am preparing him, by withdrawing myself, to rely on himself more for the coming weeks.

More planning

Wednesday, 12^th October

Ben joined his new class yesterday, he is much happier there. It is a more mixed group, and on a higher academic level as well. I am a bit at a loose end these days, everything is organised, and some things I do not want to start as we are going away in 2 weeks. I have quietly made some enquiries what it takes for Ben to get a Swedish passport. He has made it quite clear, he does not want to give up his US passport, but could he have dual citizenship? I just do not want any hassle at airports, it is always annoying if he needs to travel on his US passport.

I met with Stefan for lunch yesterday, he said the Pride committee loved the film and want to use it to promote next years event. He was impressed by Ben's professional attitude and how quickly he grasped the use of the editing software. He would offer him a job any time. Actually, he is doing a series of porn over the winter and would like Ben's help with the editing. Of course he wanted to run it past me first. I told him I do not want to commit to anything yet, we need to see what we are doing in the next few months. Stefan was quite happy to get an answer much later. He was very complimentary about the slave. I like Stefan, he has always been very polite. For some reason I felt cautious.

Today we went to the town house and got our stuff out of storage. We have brought everything to the house. We had to do 3 trips in the car!. It is amazing what rubbish one keeps, we both had a sort through. Most of it was winter clothes, which we will need now, and office stuff. Ben found that box of photos again that he had wanted to sort, this time I was not able to get out of it and hide it.

A lot of people on the photos I did not recognise, most are of my parents and their friends when they were younger. Ben asked me if there is a reason that I do not have any siblings. Funny, we have never talked about it before. I told him that I have 2 uncles as well. One is a white supremacist now living in South Africa, the other one in an institution. Nice family, eh? And me into gay bondage.

My mother was an only child, she was born quite late. Her mother had had several miscarriages and she was quite unexpected. My mother also had several miscarriages, that is why I am an only child.

I am content the way things have turned out. I have a good circle of friends, most I do not have to hide certain aspects of my life any more, and I have Ben!! Life is mysterious.

I met Barbara at a conference when I was living in Boston. She is a surgeon, I am an anaesthetist, how come we were at the same convention, I do not know. We bumped, literally, into each other at a drinks reception and spilled our drinks over each other. Somehow we clicked, and spent the next few evenings together, making jokes about the pharma reps. You know how people talk about the gay radar? We had the Master/ Mistress radar. I think she found live at home very straining sometimes and was glad to come to conferences. We kept in contact, obviously, and I met them once at a Master/slave convention, although I did not have a slave then. We had called it a day a week before. The “slave” could not cope with full time. I had met Ben there as well and spent some private time with him. Thinking about it now, Barbara had very much encouraged me to it. Did she already plan something, or was it that she thought we would like each other? I definitely liked Ben, he was very compliant, but did not make me feel like I was using him. When I got invited to meet them in South River, I was surprised, yes. Pleasantly. Anyway.

I managed to get the box of photos and it is on a shelf in the office. I have picked a few that I want to get framed.

Planning

Saturday, 8^th October

We had been invited to Sahid and Mats for lunch, they chose lunch as they are aware of Ben's habits.

They moved in last weekend. They have already re-decorated and made the place their own.

We told them about Ben's experience at his class, Sahid was livid. He is not a practising Muslim, and his family as been very welcoming to Mats. The wider family (Sahid has 2 married sisters) have not been as welcoming, but Sahid's family said they knew he was different.

The Germans had moved out that morning. We went up to inspect the flat before we came home. Per did the official part with them, we did not want to see them. Everyone is glad they are gone.

Ben checked on his cell first. It was all very tidy, almost as if no-one has lived there for the last 6 months. Ben had opened the doors to the terrace wide and was standing out there. He beckoned me to join him. I went and embraced him, more to steady myself. I asked him is he glad to have the flat back? He was hesitant. He said it felt so cold, maybe it was the energy left behind by the Germans, and it would get better. That is why he opened the windows wide. I said we have all the time in the world, first we have our trip coming up. We locked it up and came home, to our lovely, homely house, which will be perfect in a few weeks time.

Monday, 10^th October

Dr Fahji called today, all the blood results are fine. It is good to know. We are both getting to grips with him using bags. By the way, all his trust money is now with a company here in Sweden and we invoice them every 3 months. It is not huge amounts, but it helps. I was never aware how much money I spent every month, when there is no money coming in, one suddenly is very aware. We certainly do not live excessively, we enjoy the occasional trip to the cinema, we eat out.

Martin and I had meetings with gardeners today, we need to keep the grounds well kept during the building time, and will need professionals to maintain it once we are open. We have invited tenders.

We have instructed a company to start ripping the place apart, before we appoint a builder to do the refurbishment once we have final plans. We do not want any nasty surprises, and it was suggested to rip it apart now, this will also prevent people from squatting in there.

October already

Saturday, 1^st October

We went to the new premises today to have a hand over. We met with an architect to discuss our plans. I had tied the boy to a chair and gagged him. I am still enforcing myself more. Mr Allender was there as well. At one point he alerted me to tend to the slave. He had been making some faces for some time. I said to Mr Allender, he is alright, ignore him. Mr Allender said, maybe I should take the slave to the toilet? He had a point there, Ben was desperate to empty his bladder. After he was done I secured him to the chair again. The architect is a member, but I think he is not used to such behaviour “in public”. I must say, Mr Allender has been fantastic every time we have met him, nothing seems to throw him.

Monday, 3^rd October

Ben had his check-up with Dr Fahji today. They took some bloods and did a colonoscopy, everything looks ok and healthy. We will have to wait for the blood test results. He is going to check for all sorts of things, Ben had to rest when we came home, they gave him medication to help relax. Dr Fahji suggested Ben use bags for some weeks. Sometimes when people use the flushing technique, they can flush out good gut bacteria, which help absorb nutrients.

Tuesday, 4^th October

Sabine has written to the Centre, she lost our e-mail address! She is doing well and enjoying Nepal.

We have to change Ben's language class, today they refused to work with him when they were asked to work in pairs. He was very upset. He only told me after meditation. He will not go on Thursday and they will sort him out a new class for next week. I am so angry, I am not a racist and religious beliefs I respect, I guess to a point. But they live in Sweden now, this is a liberal country, and I expect my husband to be treated with respect, it is only a language class exercise, for goodness sake!!

Just everyday life

Monday, 26^th September

We went to a piercing place today, his rings in his penis give him trouble. It has never been quite right since we put the “wedding ring” in. He had not had a piercing in for some months and the hole had shrunk. Anyway, the holes were done for a different piercing, and having a ring in each means he has quite a bit in his urethra. Surprisingly he has not had an infection. The guy recommended we take them both out. The slave wanted to keep them though, they are sentimental. They guy suggested he wears them as nipple rings, which we have done. He cleaned them thoroughly and put them through Ben's nipples. They fit tightly, I cannot use them as much to play with, but they should make his nipples more sensitive. We were recommended to put a bar back trough his other holes. We decided to go with an angled one just through the bottom one and let the other hole close. We chose

one slightly bigger than the rings was. They were trying to persuade me to have one. I was tempted.

Thursday, 29^th September

In one month time the boy will be 30. I have asked him what he wants to do for his birthday, he does not want to celebrate it. Turning 30 is scary, it means you are growing up, or society expects you to be a grown up. People start getting married and having children, settle down in a job.

He is doing his homework at the moment, he finds the class quite easy. He finds his class mates challenging, most are immigrants from a muslim background. In his little towns he hardly met any muslims. It is a requirement that immigrants get to a certain level of Swedish, or their residential status can be revoked. The women all wear scarves, and they tend to stick together during breaks. The men in the group do not want to socialise with him as he is gay. I urge him to stick with it. They might learn to accept him and see him as the person, not a label.

Planning the futrue by looking back

Wednesday, 22^nd September

It has been a miserable day today, we spent most of the day sorting more of my Master's paperwork.

The boy thanked me for not giving in to him yesterday, he had a good time in the end. I had a good evening at meditation, for the first time I managed to switch my mind off quickly.

We have found private documents relating to my Master. His name was Arne, by the way. The boy wanted to know how he made his money. Master was not a person to look back, he told me little about himself. I think how he made his money was mostly illegal. We have found a document which gives him the town house, it seems to repay a gambling debt. There is probably some truth in that.

There was a photo album, he liked to take pictures of me. Ben of course loved seeing them. I was rather embarrassed. The boy assured me he loves that I was a slave, it makes me a better Master.

Lately I have been a bit slack, I think. Well, I have been working full time.

Sunday, 25^th September

We made it a Master/slave weekend. Not so much bondage or sex, just reinforcing behaviour. He has not been allowed to talk unless I addressed him directly, not look at me directly, he ate after I have eaten, he had his knee pads on most of the day. He responded very well.

Life

Saturday, 17^th September

Ben has helped Stefan edit the footage from Pride all week, and I have been sorting through the boxes of receipts and invoices. Most of the paperwork I was able to throw out, I am expecting a professional shredding company to pick it up.

Yesterday we had M/s night. Stefan showed the footage, it was very good. I was very proud of Ben, being involved in that. There was some footage of him talking to someone about the club at the fair, he was very confident and professional. We stood in “our” embrace in the club, watching the film. As I am slightly taller than him, I stand behind him, with my arms through his arms, my arms folded over his chest, sometimes I lean onto him. Most of the time his arms will be by his side, yesterday I held them slightly behind his back. He discovered he had enough movement to fondle me. I found some rope and tied his arms together and his hands flat together, behind his back. For the way home I tied his hands in front of him, and did not undo them until this morning. He is now sitting in his cage, gagged. He has to fold 60 origami cranes, to keep his hands busy.

We have a skype session planned later, to speak to Erik and Barbara, I guess I will let him out for it.

Tuesday, 20^th September

Where does time go, and how come I am so busy all the time? All the paperwork for the flat to be used as a residential unit again is sorted. We have sold some items Mats and Sahid did not want. I have chosen all the bathroom appliances, we have decided on the colours and I am having the same carpet as Ben has laid in my room. All this will happen while we are away.

We saw his doctor yesterday, he is concerned that the boy is under weight, and we are going to see Dr Fahji for some more tests. In the meantime we are increasing his protein shakes and keep a food diary. We decided he should stop swimming, it is getting too cold. He has been swimming almost every day. I do not think it has anything to do with his weight loss, he was getting thinner before then. It is not too bad, but definitely something we need to look into. He is fine otherwise, he has had no problems for a long time.

We had a very long talk with Canada on Saturday, they have found a buyer for the house. They are planning to move mid-december, they have found a house they want to buy. It is strange to think of them getting married, Barbara is 16 years older than Erik. The memorial service will be in a hotel in Toronto. They used to go to a Master/slave meeting in Toronto almost every month. We will stay in the same hotel. Ben asked if the ashes will be there. He asked me if we could bring his old collar to be united with Robert's ashes. I have my reservations. I am thinking of having a length removed and put it with the ashes, but not the whole collar. I think Ben would regret it.

Later:

Ben came home from language class. I had expected him to stay in town, go to yoga, the centre and meet him at meditation. I was concerned that someone had found out about his lifestyle at class and made some comments. There are mainly people from a muslim background in his class. He would never bring it up himself, but he made it clear he is married to a man. The boy explained he just felt a bit low and wanted my company. He misses Sabine more than he thought he would.

I made him go to back into town, I came with him and went to the gym. I had planned to go later and then go to class. We managed to have lunch together at home. I told him he was behaving childish, on one hand it was nice that he wanted to be with me, but then he has been, well, wants reassurance.

I stayed on at the gym and had a sauna, he went ahead to the centre and did his usual kitchen duty. I came home, and am going out again soon to go to class. I am taking the car, we have not used it much lately.

Folsom Fair

Tuesday, 13^th September

Well, we came back yesterday lunch time. Sahid and Mats thoroughly enjoyed themselves, they really threw themselves into it. The slave and I were a bit more careful which events we attended.

He met some people he knew from their Toronto club and had a good catch-up. The boy is looking forward to go “home” very much, of course he is anxious about it as well. Meeting some old friends has brought up some memories, though. It was Erik's birthday last week and it is Barbara's on Friday, he is having a hard time at the moment, and he needs me to affirm our relationship.

When we went to the parade on Sunday, I had him wrapped up tightly, with a muzzle, and lots of restraints around his torso. We had considered a straitjacket, but that is so conventional. Mats and Sahid have never seen us like this, they were dressed rather normal. Sahid had Mats on a lead, like I had my slave. The slave wanted me to bring my boots, but they are actually not that comfortable to walk in. We enjoyed just walking around, looking at other people, chatting and being seen. We met some people we had met earlier in the year. The boy did not use a bag during the weekend, so we had to get back to the hotel in evening. We joined some people for a drink at a club, but we were quite tired after the day and went to bed at a normal hour. Mats and Sahid went clubbing. I think there were some drugs involved. We barely managed to wake them up to board the flight home.

Stine and Torben have found a boy from the neighbourhood to walk Django, so Ben is not required any more. He is finding it hard, he misses his exercise. He has started language lessons twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday morning for 3 hours each. He can still fit his regular yoga lessons in and we will still go to meditation class together. He has lost a bit of weight over the summer, he has been eating well though. Anyway, we have made an appointment with his doctor.

Septmeber already!

Tuesday, 30^th August

We are so used to going out on a Tuesday evening, we went to the club tonight. It was the first day open after our summer break. It was a quiet evening, we talked with Stefan. His editor has left, and Stefan asked if Ben would be interested to help edit the footage from Pride. The new editor does not want to get involved with this side of the business. I gave it the ok. Stefan is doing it as a free thing for the committee. It will give Ben something else to do and he can learn a skill, using professional software.

Martin and I have a date at the new premises to discuss with the owner some building work. We want his expertise. We have not purchased any fixing and fittings yet, only the building. I believe the kitchen equipment is quite old, but then we are not planning on offering any food. Anything he can sell, he can invest in his new venture in Spain, so if we are not interested, he can sell it now on the open market.

Time has run away with us this year. At the beginning of the year I was afraid I would be bored, now I think I do not have enough time. We need to appoint an assistant manager, ideally someone who is prepared to live on site. We will offer it to existing staff first. Usually we find staff through our current staff, or people who are young and want to get into the scene approach us for a job, thinking they can meet people and get sex. We do not encourage that, we want to keep that apart. The majority of our staff are straight forward people, we pay well and run a fair business.

Ben and I are going to Folsom Fair in Berlin with Mats and Sahid. They wanted to experience it and we do not mind. Ben has been to San Francisco several times.

Friday, 2^nd September

I am working one more week. I was supposed to finish today, but one of my colleagues has gone to a conference. It has been nice to have an income.

Our plumber was here yesterday to talk about the plans for the bathroom. At the moment it has a bathtub and separate shower, we want a wet room. The plumber said it will be a lot of mess, removing the old tiles and they need to dig up the floor. Ben was getting anxious,thinking about the dust they will create. I had to send him to his cell. The plumber has left me some catalogues to choose fittings. I have decided to have the work done while we are in Canada. Per and Lasse can stay in the house to supervise.

Friday, 9^th September

I was quite sad to say good bye to my colleagues again. We are leaving for Folsom Fair in Berlin in an hour. We have booked a cheaper hotel this time. S/M have not got a budget like us. Ben and I had the usual talk about him wearing the collar through the airport, he is leaving it on, but not wearing his device. We mostly have leather stuff in our suitcases. We thought about taking the ferry, but it takes too long. I will report back on Monday or Tuesday.

A brief description of a week

Sunday, 21^st August

We have heard back from Steelwerks and they have suggested 2 visits. We have asked them to make a belt out of stainless steel, at the moment it is fabric. We had looked at different device manufacturers, but decided to go with people he knows. The belt needs to fit properly, so we need 2 visits (at least). I have heard back from my father, his step children would like to meet us, so we are going to his house for dinner on the first night. At least we will be able to excuse ourselves fairly quickly, claiming we are tired from travelling. Then we are meeting Ruth in Anyers, we will meet her at Father Morris's house. She had a huge argument with her eldest son about Ben. Father Morris has been a rock, supporting Ruth and mediating. I hope his other parishioners are easier! I guess Jonathan sees himself as head of the family and he has to replace his father. I would like to meet him in a dark alley and teach him a lesson!

Only 2 more weeks work! I am thinking again, what will I do all day? But I have so much to do:

Sort out the paperwork, get the bathroom refurbishment organised, Mats and Sahid to move into the flat, the Germans will move out in October, and then we are taking possession of the club and we need to finalise drawings and find contractors.

Thursday, 25^th August

The boy got his results, he passed his speaking and listening with 93%, and his writing and grammar

with 73% and 81%. He is disappointed with his writing score, we have to wait for the corrected actual work to come back, so we can see what he got wrong. I think he did very well. Ingrid suggested he does a formal course, working with our students will help him with writing and grammar. She is happy to continue with him, but would find it difficult to challenge him. She mainly teaches beginners, a teacher more suitable for his level will be better.

This afternoon we bought him a swim suit. What a choice! After trying quite a few models, we found one which fitted him well. He has already been swimming!

Oh, we had a thank you note from our visiting puppy and his Master. That is a nice gesture.

Stine and Torben are back from holiday tomorrow and we have invited them for dinner Saturday evening. It will be nice to have Django chasing a ball in our garden, a real dog.

My aunt has kept the puppy Ben fell in love with. Apparently he is still sometimes looking for him. She has sent us a photo of Ben and the dog, he has got it on his wall, along with his other photos.

Sunday, 28^th August

I had an early yesterday and Ben went shopping for our dinner on his own. He met with Ingrid for lunch, and then popped to the Centre to see Sabine. She is going to Nepal for 2 months. He is sad to see her go, but it is a great opportunity for her.

When I got home he had everything ready for cooking. We invited them to come early, so the boy can enjoy dinner with us. We had a cold eastern front, and it has become very cool in the evening. I have prepared the fireplace outside, we had used it Friday evening, and then it was almost too warm. This way we will be able to sit outside.

I had put Ben into his sleepsack in front of the fire, after he had been for a swim. He is only allowed to go swimming when I am here, and then he has to stay close to the house. He promptly fell asleep. I only let him sleep for a short time, then I woke him by inserting a cold metal vibrating plug, switched to a high setting. I had to interrupt it, while I tied him down, he was wriggling so much. I straddled him with my body and rubbed my growing cock on the leather. I fondled his dick, eventually taking it out and allowing him to come in my hand. Then he took good care of me, licking my balls and sucking me off. We had a lot of fun, cut short as he needed to clean himself. Food and digestion can be such a bore!

It was very nice spending time with Stine and Torben, and Django was pleased to see Ben. We told them about the other “dogs” we had visiting. We marvelled at the modern human brain, and why western people experience all these “problems”. One does not hear about paedophiles, or extreme kink behaviour, or other psychological problems from people who live a less western lifestyle. I guess, in Africa they have witchcraft, and many mental illnesses are thought to be curses from witches, and in old times people used the most appalling torture. I guess torturers might have experienced sexual pleasure from it. I have never been to Thailand, but Swedish people like it there, especially in winter. I have heard from people who have travelled there, the ladyboys are widely accepted and it is common. There are probably more transexuals/ would be trans men in Thailand than in the west. Anyway, enough of this.

Plans, plans, and results

Sunday, 21^st August

We have heard back from Steelwerks and they have suggested 2 visits. We have asked them to make a belt out of stainless steel, at the moment it is fabric. We had looked at different device manufacturers, but decided to go with people he knows. The belt needs to fit properly, so we need 2 visits (at least). I have heard back from my father, his step children would like to meet us, so we are going to his house for dinner on the first night. At least we will be able to excuse ourselves fairly quickly, claiming we are tired from travelling. Then we are meeting Ruth in Anyers, we will meet her at Father Morris's house. She had a huge argument with her eldest son about Ben. Father Morris has been a rock, supporting Ruth and mediating. I hope his other parishioners are easier! I guess Jonathan sees himself as head of the family and he has to replace his father. I would like to meet him in a dark alley and teach him a lesson!

Only 2 more weeks work! I am thinking again, what will I do all day? But I have so much to do:

Sort out the paperwork, get the bathroom refurbishment organised, Mats and Sahid to move into the flat, the Germans will move out in October, and then we are taking possession of the club and we need to finalise drawings and find contractors.

Thursday, 25^th August

The boy got his results, he passed his speaking and listening with 93%, and his writing and grammar

with 73% and 81%. He is disappointed with his writing score, we have to wait for the corrected actual work to come back, so we can see what he got wrong. I think he did very well. Ingrid suggested he does a formal course, working with our students will help him with writing and grammar. She is happy to continue with him, but would find it difficult to challenge him. She mainly teaches beginners, a teacher more suitable for his level will be better.

This afternoon we bought him a swim suit. What a choice! After trying quite a few models, we found one which fitted him well. He has already been swimming!

Oh, we had a thank you note from our visiting puppy and his Master. That is a nice gesture.

Stine and Torben are back from holiday tomorrow and we have invited them for dinner Saturday evening. It will be nice to have Django chasing a ball in our garden, a real dog.

My aunt has kept the puppy Ben fell in love with. Apparently he is still sometimes looking for him. She has sent us a photo of Ben and the dog, he has got it on his wall, along with his other photos.