Saturday, 22nd October
I have sent the slave shopping with
the car. We actually do not need much, as we are going away. I have
told him to buy stuff to stock up the flat. He looked at me puzzled,
but he follows my orders willingly. I have made more decisions on my
own recently. It has been hard on him lately, I can see it in his
eyes. He is withdrawing from me. It is like he is going through a
routine sometimes. It would have been like this if I had carried on
like I did when he first came. I am going to have to stop this.
Last night was hard for him. I had
warned Martin that I am going through something with the slave, and
we will be different. I made him get changed at the club, some
shorts, a wide belt to hide his bag, a harness over his shoulders
attached to it, his hands in mitts and attached to the belt, and a
muzzle with a wide collar. At first I kept him on a leash, then I put
him into the cage. We usually have a slave in the cage during the
night at some point. I watched him the whole time, he was fighting
tears. I let him out ready to go home. I had ordered us a taxi and
took him out with just a coat over him. At home I helped him get out
of his gear and get ready for bed. We did not speak. He avoided
looking at me. This morning he did not come into my room to wake me.
When I got up and came to the kitchen for breakfast, he had already
eaten. He excused himself and went to make my bed and tidy. Now I am
sitting here trying to figure out how to explain my behaviour, when I
do
not even know why I did it.
Later:
I took the boy for a walk when he
came home. I did not even let him unpack the car. We went along the
lake path, where the cafe is. I ordered us some hot chocolates. When
I got to the table with the drinks, he was fighting tears. I wanted
to hug him, embrace him, beg for his forgiveness. Instead I sat down
opposite and explained calmly, I am not sure either why I treated him
like an object for the last 4 weeks. I felt I had to do it. I had to
put some distance between us. I cannot recall everything I said, it
came out, from somewhere deep inside me. He must have understood, as
he got his smile back. He said he thought he was being punished, and
he could not figure out what he had done to deserve such a
punishment. Finally I allowed myself to ask him for a hug, and he
responded. We kissed for some time, but it was different. He was
still not sure about me.
We had some lunch, he was still
very quiet and almost like a dog who has been hit so many times he
avoids drawing attention to himself. It will take some time to get us
back on track. I drove us to the flat and we brought the stuff he had
bought in and put them away. It still feels very soulless in the
flat. I kept looking around, as if trying to find a clue what the
Germans got up to here. Finally I had an idea. I phoned Stefan, could
they have triggered the security cameras? Would there be footage on
the hard drive? He could not remember the details of the cameras, so
he is coming next week to check them out.
Now we are sitting in front of the
fire, the slave has cooked us a nice meal. He is on the floor,
reading. It feels peaceful. I will ask him to share my bed tonight,
to bring us closer again.
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