Sunday, 23rd October
He did not stay the night in my
bed, I noticed him leave about 2am. He did not relax with me.
I have to gain his trust again,
just like a dog. I asked him what he wanted to do today. He just
shrugged, he was happy to do what pleases me. I phoned Stine, if we
could borrow Django for the day. I could detect a smile, he was
trying to hide it from me. We took Django to the country, had a snack
in a cafe and we talked a little about our trip. I brought it up, it
was one reason why I had been in my mood. I think I was scared. We
are going to his world. I
will be the fish out of water.
He is going to see his friends, his family. He had become so reliant
on me, or I have projected it onto him, I sometimes treat him too
much like a little child, which I need to make decisions for, whom I
need to protect, physically and emotionally. It is also his birthday,
he is turning 30. He needs to be a man.
It was all my fault. OARGH!!I
cannot tell him how I feel inside, how wrong I have done him. I can
only ask for him to forgive me and to love me again. And I have to be
careful that my love does not consume him again, but to let him be
his own person; still my slave, but with his own personality. It is
like an arranged marriage, we had to work very hard. I was setting
myself too high expectations.
There I was, with a fully “trained”
slave. I had to fulfil his expectations, he came from a powerful
Master. I tried to be a Master, then I fell in love with him. He
always acknowledged me as his Master, he never let me down. I feel I
let him down. I wrote the blog, telling other Masters how to respect
their slaves, when I did not respect my own. He has faithfully stuck
with me the last 4 weeks.
I am babbling here, I am trying to
make sense of … what?
Well, he enjoyed being with Django,
I tried to make it up to him by having Django, and Ben knows that. He
– I want to say he hates me for it, but that's not true, it is not
hate he feels, more pity?
We dropped Django off, we were like
actors in a soap, pretending to Stine we were ok and had plans for
the evening. He is still distancing himself from me. Is he punishing
me now? We had a quiet dinner and he wanted to go to bed early.
Monday, 24th October
He received a letter from Ruth
today, he stayed in his room for a long time.
He showed it to me, it is a sad
letter. She explained how Jonathan and Mark want to forbid her from
having contact. She explained she cannot abandon them, and the grand
children. At first I was afraid she was going to cancel our meeting.
She still wants to go through with it, more than ever.
It was a bit like I feel, she
probably had several attempts at trying to find the right words. It
must have been so awful for her, to loose her son, secretly trying to
keep in contact, burying her daughter.
I am still trying to sort my own
thoughts. I stayed in my office a lot today, while the boy did his
usual Monday chores. What can I do?
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