Work and hapiness at home

Tuesday, 18^th April

I had a busy day at work today, meeting new patients and assessing them for their operations. I managed to switch off from what is going on at home and enjoyed meeting with colleagues and talking medicine. Word has gotten around that I will start lecturing and some people have asked how I got the job, they might be interested.

I went to the gym and had dinner at the Centre. They had kept something for me.

Ben was well balanced and he had kept busy during the day and was nicely tired. We enjoyed the train journey and walk home, having some time together. Ruth was expecting us with some tea. She had a good day and bought lots of clothes. I guess we will have to wait for the credit card bill to come in. Ingrid has a friend who sells clothes via the internet and she is going to send the clothes via courier to the States. Ruth said she had a good day with Ingrid. Ingrid bought herself something as well, it had been agreed. It was good for her and Ben to spend a day apart.

Wednesday, 19^th April

I had a meeting with HR and my department manager to discuss me working part time whilst lecturing. We have agreed on a schedule, but I did not want to say definitely yes without talking to Ben and thinking about it a bit longer.

Ben and Ruth were cooking when I came home. They had been to Upsalla today. Luckily we have had nice weather all week.

After dinner I asked to have some time with Ben. Ruth wanted to read her book anyway. They had mentioned they had “meaningful talks” again on the train and were all talked out anyway. Ben awaited me in the playroom, kneeling, but that was not what I had in mind. I just wanted to chat about my meeting and to sound out how he was. He was quite tired from their trip and talked out. Of course he encouraged me to go ahead with what I had planned with my manager. He mentioned he would like to find something else to do to keep him busy after the summer. He will not have classes any more. There might be an option to do more shifts at the Centre, or he might want to find a class.

We had a bath together and then Ben got ready for bed.

Our bath was nice. It was good to be quite intimate. We have been kissing and touching, better – I have. Was it to make a point to Ruth? She feels uncomfortable with it. Knowing we had privacy in the bathroom, we could both relax. We just enjoyed being us. Ruth was in the kitchen when I came to make some tea. Ben came to say good night. He is sleeping in his room as we both need a good sleep. Ruth wanted to talk to me. She thanked me for having her, she said she now understands Ben

much better. Not only because they talked so much about the past, but she experienced Stockholm, me and she got to know the person he is now. I am glad them two were able to work things out. At least 2 people in our extended families are happy.

Well, I think writing about this tonight has helped me settle my thoughts. I better go to bed myself, operations tomorrow.

A busy few days with Ruth

Monday, 17^th April

I have not had much chance for time to myself. Again, now, it is late. Everyone else has gone to bed.

Well. Saturday Ben came to wake me and he had time to snuggle up to me in bed. Ruth was making breakfast. I think she wanted to give us some time together. They had had a talk just before and had decided to just enjoy the day. No earnest conversations.

Ben and I had a shower together and he gave me a blow job. About time! When we turned up for breakfast Ruth was looking through the paper. A leading article was about the presidential elections in the US and she was interested to get the Swedish perspective. I suggested Ben could do it as his exercise, and he started to read the article. He was struggling, he had put himself under pressure to do it that moment. I could see he was getting anxious, so I sent him for a jog down to the pier and instructed him to walk back really slowly and concentrate on feeling the earth under his feet. Ruth had not noticed him fidgeting, and was surprised. She asked me if this was a normal strategy. I explained I came up with new stuff all the time, it had to be appropriate. She mentioned he had never displayed anything like that in Anyers. She apologised that she had set him off. Ben came back in and was calm again. He said it was glorious, sunny and getting warm.

After breakfast Ruth and I tidied up while Ben took care of his stuff. Ruth gets uncomfortable around that as well. She still feels it was her fault.

They went to the market while I went to the gym. We met back at home and had lunch here. We were able to sit outside. Ruth remarked again how well Ben converses in Swedish. Considering he gave up a foreign language at school as soon as he could. In the afternoon they went to Ostermalm to check out the market there. I had to go to work. It became a busy night. A man who had recently been left by his wife with the children had stabbed them and himself. The children sadly did not make it through. I operated on the older one, but he died an hour later. The father was not that bad and we tended to him after his family. It was difficult to be objective and do the job properly. I needed to talk to the police afterwards, and finally came home just before 4am. I woke Ben. I needed his support. We went into my room and I managed to sleep well. He did not, so he was a bit tired today.

He let me sleep. Ruth decided she wanted to got to church on Sunday morning, so Ben set the alarm for me and left me a note. We had planned to go to brunch at Stallemastergarden, but Ben cancelled it when he got up, as he knew I would not be up in time. We had lunch together at home, they had bought ingredients yesterday and Ruth cooked. It was very nice. I needed to go into work, catch up with the paperwork for events last night. It was another nice day and Ben and Ruth went for a walk and bus surfing! When they came home they surprised me with the news that Ruth would be going to the cinema. We had a bit of dinner and then Ben and I made the most of it and spent some time in the playroom. We did bondage, no sex. Although I was ready to explode. But we both enjoyed it very much. I was reading the paper when Ruth came back. Ben was in the sleep cage, muzzled and mitted. He was spent. Of course Ruth had given us the opportunity to be alone on purpose, but she seems to enjoy Stockholm and her freedom here. Saturday they had been clothes shopping in Ostermalm, Ben paid for it. He said it felt good to spoil her like that. She always had to be thrifty with clothes shopping.

This morning I woke up quite early and ordered Ben into my bed. We had two hours of sex! Hard sex. I managed to come 3 times! I secured him to a frame which we place on the bed and his ass was sticking nicely up in the air. We tried to keep quiet, I think that made it extra spicy.

Ruth had breakfast ready, she commented: I think you two need a good breakfast. Oh.

She wanted to see the hospital, so we made a short detour, and we stopped at the flat as well. Then we went to Stallemastergarden for lunch. They remembered us there and we had a nice lunch. Ruth has been asking questions about life in Sweden, politics and everyday life. She is reading one of Ben's books about Scandinavian history. We went for a walk through the park and took buses back home. We have arranged for her to go clothes shopping tomorrow with Ingrid, they will have Ben's credit card. I am working again tomorrow and Ben will go the gym and to the Centre, like a normal Tuesday. I will go to meditation as well. It will be good to have some time away from each other. She has been an easy guest to have around, but to be honest, I am kind of looking forward to Saturday, when she leaves.

The boy and her chat a lot, they have rekindled their special relationship. Sometimes though he needs special care, and she is not aware of it. Like tonight, he was quite tired and I had to encourage him to eat and drink his shake. We all did our own thing, reading etc. Ben was falling asleep so I sent him to bed. Ruth went to her room soon after. Happy family.

Friday

Friday, 14^th April

I am on a late shift. The weather has been nice and we took a boat trip through the harbour earlier today. I had to leave Ben and Ruth in town and go home for something to eat and go to work. I guess they will be in bed by the time I get home. They wanted to go to the open air museum.

Ben called me, he wanted to say good night. He and Ruth had a good talk again and it was getting a bit too much for him. We have another week ahead of us! I guess the hotel might be a good idea, or I have to send him to P/L for a night.

Back at work

Thursday, 13^th April

I enjoyed work today, although it was a slow day. Due to the Easter holidays there are few operations scheduled for the next few days so there are no routine assessments. I mainly dealt with women giving birth today and administering pain relief. This also means dealing with dying people and making their last hours comfortable. Strange, on minute I deal with a new life, then I could help someone die in comfort.

After work I went to the gym. When I came home Ben had dinner ready for me. We had a good time catching up. Ruth had met with Ingrid while Ben went to the gym and then they met Sabine at the Centre for lunch. Ruth stayed in town while Ben and Sabine attended a yoga session at the Centre.

Ben and Ruth are having serious talks about his childhood, him leaving etc. They both are in a forgiving mood and want to work it out. So far so good. She is still struggling to accept us though. Even as a couple. I guess her generation, being catholic, her upbringing, it takes time. At least she is making an effort.

A good day with Ruth

Wednesday, 12^th April

I had a day off today and we showed Ruth the “Tourist Stockholm”. Yesterday was good for me; Ruth and Ben had their first argument. He went to meditation, by himself. He did not plan to go, but Ruth was tired and wanted an early night and very much encouraged him to do his own thing. I think it was as a reaction from my phone call. I was tired after work. I had not planned to go, and I thought it would give a chance for me and Ruth to have some time to talk. Ben was reluctant to go, as it had not been in his plan, not in his routine. I convinced him to go. I knew he would enjoy it, which he did. Ruth and I did not spend much time together, she was very tired. I picked up Ben from the train station and we enjoyed walking home together.

This morning Ruth got up early. She disturbed Ben doing yoga. It is strange, he does not like an audience. He does it in a group at the gym, but does not like to be watched at home. We should have explained it to her. Of course he was too polite to ask her to leave, or to move to his room. I noticed he was fidgeting during breakfast, and took him to my room to talk to him. He confessed he felt out of sorts. I took Ruth for a walk, while he did his yoga routine and some meditation again. Ruth was confused that something so little could throw him so badly. One just never knows, sometimes it can be something really little to set him off.

Luckily it was a nice sunny day. We went to a traditional restaurant in Gamla Stan for lunch. Ruth has a tourist ticket for the public transport, which gives access to museums and other places to see. She is impressed by our public transport. It is pretty good. She asked a lot of questions about life in Sweden. We had an enjoyable time. We had fika in town and finally we were all tired and just wanted to get home. We put on a spread for dinner with Swedish food and sat for a couple of hours, eating and chatting. Ruth went to bed quite early, Ben and I had another cup of tea together and then he went to bed. I am just writing this and then I ought to go to sleep as well, as I am working again tomorrow morning.

One more day!

Monday, 10^th April

I am not sure how much chance I will get to write the next few days. Ben will pick up Ruth from the airport tomorrow morning by himself as I am working until 4pm. It was a bit difficult for me to get up this morning, I had to be at work at 8am!

We had a good evening in the playroom, I was very much in charge and Ben complied well. I sent him straight to bed afterwards.

He had to adjust his schedule to accommodate waking me and making me breakfast, but he has all day! I tried to call him every couple of hours, to check he was not getting himself into a state, he was coping. He kept himself busy cleaning, shopping and went to the gym. Tonight we went out for a drink and a walk. We went to Sodermalm centre and just walked and found somewhere nice to go. I was tired but it was nice to go out. Work was fine, I mostly met with patients to assess them. I had to concentrate on them and managed to put my private concerns to the side. Tonight I have Ben in my room. I think he will sleep better in the cage.

Just Sunday

Sunday, 9^th April

This morning Ben and Django let me sleep in, and finally Ben woke me in his style. We had a nice time enjoying each others company in my bed. I had to undress him again, as he had already been out with the dog. We took our time, knowing we would have a visitor in the house and me working. We would not have much time for private times like this.

While I showered Ben made breakfast. We had some home made pastries. He is getting very good at baking. We played with Django in the garden for a while and then took him back home. Ben was tired after running around with Django and had a rest, I cooked us lunch and he managed to eat something. He has had a bit of trouble since yesterday, he thinks it is his nerves. Yesterday when we went to pick up Django we stayed for a hot drink, and had to leave quite suddenly to accommodate his needs. He had not put a bag on. He had been constipated and thought he would be able to release now. It worked out fine, but his schedule is messed up.

We had talked about Ruth's visit and he had gotten anxious again. At least he does realise when it happens and how he can try to rationalise his feelings. He enjoyed spending time with Django in the evening. I had suggested some time in the playroom, but he did not feel he could relax. I was actually not too bothered, I wanted it for him. He then said “something would be nice”, so I fetched his straitjacket and he spent some time strapped quite loosely into it. Django was a bit confused by it.

Today we spent some time planning the upcoming week, the sights Ben wants to show his mother and how we can work with my schedule. I confessed to him the phone call I had made. He was fine with it. He understood my reasons. Some of our friends had said that maybe having Ruth staying in our house would be putting extra pressure on us and if it does not work, she should stay in a hotel. I think they might be right. Ben desperately wants her to understand the choices he has made in life and to accept it. Which mother will know so much about her son's sex life? I guess I have to let them work it out, and be there to pick up the pieces. Ben finds it difficult to express himself, I think he does not know really what he expects of a future relationship with his mother.

I try to not think about it too much, what will happen will happen. I am prepared for the big fall out. I do not know how I will handle it, I mean, me – emotionally. I have friends who I can turn to. And there is always bondage. An escape for a couple of hours.

We can fit in a couple of hours tonight, and I will insist on it. I need it tonight!

Managing Ben

Saturday, 8^th April

Ben is cooking. I went to the gym this morning and sauna, like usual, while Ben did the shopping. I met him afterwards and helped carry it home. He is stocking up the freezer.

It is very quiet in the house. We will fetch Django later. Stine and Torben have been invited to a party, and he will be with us over night.

When I came home last night Ben and Sabine were playing Scrabble. The Twister mat was still on the floor. They really enjoy that game! They were not keeping score at Scrabble, it was more about finding words. Sabine could not come until the evening, so Ben had a few hours by himself in the afternoon, but he had homework to do. Classes are now on hold for the Easter holidays. So he was fine during the day. I think the chat with Ingrid really helped him. He has been quite “normal”. Today as well. He has asked me to find him at least one article to work on from the paper.

After Sabine left yesterday, Ben and I had a catch up and then he went to bed. After a while I went to the office to call Ruth. It was about 5pm in Anyers, and she was at home. I do not know why I want to keep it secret from Ben that I called her. We will call her on Sunday anyway, just to confirm the arrangements. I told her that he has been very anxious. Suddenly I did not know what else to say. How can she prepare for this visit? I asked her to bring a lot of patience and be open-minded. I said that Ben and I might need some time alone, just for me to catch up with him and balance him. She was surprised by my call, and I think I almost put her off from coming, if it would be too much for him; and her. I assured her we want her to come, we need her to come. But to be prepared that it might get difficult. Their relationship is still very strained, and we have to consider that.

Musings

Friday, 7^th April

I enjoyed working, I enjoyed meeting the staff again. Maybe, at some point in my life, I could do this, but for now I am happy with the choices I have made.

Last night I was challenged to a game of the card game they play, all or nothing. Of course I lost and had to strip. They did not bother putting the clips and gear on me, as it was late. Stripping was bad enough! Apparently they talked about “coming out” and why it seems to be so accepted these days, and all kinds of life styles, but fetish and Master and slave is still something people keep quiet about.

Of course Per and Lasse had to deal with much more prejudice, although homosexual relationships have been legal in Sweden for a long time. And Swedish people are supposed to be free thinking and liberal, especially when it comes to sex. Although events like Pride, and now with Kink Korner, are making it more accessible, yes, we are still a secretive community. We do not want vanillas come and gawp, or use our clubs and events as the “in”thing to do. In the community I am in, we are serious, it is our life. It has not been easy for us, to come to terms with the realisation that we like this stuff. My generation did not have the internet to look at videos and photos to satisfy an interest at home. It was all or nothing.

Work

Thursday, 6^th April

Ben was sleepwalking last night. Luckily he did not manage to get outside. I guided him back to my bed and he slept well. I did not. He got up at 6am and I managed to sleep properly then. He woke me when he had to leave, but I stayed in bed for another hour. Bliss, to be able to do that. He phoned me after class, he did not remember sleep walking and wanted to know how he woke up in my bed this morning. I went to the gym. I did some shopping and now I have to go to work. I am reassured Ben will be ok, I will pick him up later. Like a kid from a play date.

Dealing with Ben

Wednesday, 5^th April

I have agreed to do a shift tomorrow and Friday, and then I guess I will finish doing locum work. Ben is starting to get nervous about his mother coming for a visit, I am struggling to handle him. He is walking Django at the moment and then Ingrid is coming for lunch. She can handle him well, and she might be able to help. He had freaked out a little on Monday. He says it was the energy from the Master and slave. He said he is so glad that we are able to be more relaxed and he can talk to me. He did not get that from them. He then apparently had a meltdown again yesterday afternoon, this time about Ruth. The meditation leader told me later in the evening. Apparently they were just talking, and Ben mentioned he would not be there next Tuesday, due to his mother visiting. He then started to hyperventilate! He had to be taken out of the room and it took a long time for him to calm down. He received some counselling from the meditation leader, who could not tell me more. Ben does not want to talk to me about it. He had suggested to invite Ingrid. She is aware there is more to it than just a free meal. We do not want to exploit her experience, but sometimes she is the best person to get through to him.

I am concerned that he is getting so anxious now. He will want everything to be perfect while she is here and for her to understand our lifestyle and accept it. I guess it will be more “visible” to her here than in South River. I am afraid if he is so anxious now, how will he be once she is here?

Maybe I should call Ruth and have a chat with her before she comes and prepare her.

I am a bit nervous about leaving him on his own Thursday and Friday evening. I think I will make arrangements for him to be busy.

We managed to have a good time with Ingrid. Ben brought it up, how he is not coping with his mother's visit. They went to his room and had an hour together. Ingrid came back to see me and assured me she managed to get him to rationalise his anxiety, for now. He was now meditating.

About 45 minutes later Ben turned up, he made some tea. He did not initiate conversation, and I thought I won't bring it up, but it was the elephant in the room. He looked like he had been crying. He came to me and snuggled up to me, and that is how we have left it.

Over dinner I suggested he make some plans for the next two evenings, and he agreed it was a good idea. Thursday he is going to Per and Lasse, Friday Sabine will come here.

An intellectual day

Tuesday, 4^th April

Ruth will be here next Tuesday, and I will start work on Monday. I have been at the University today, sitting in on 2 different lectures, and I gave one myself. It was a small group, in a classroom. It was nice to be able to interact on such a personal level. I feel I am ready to do this. Now I just need to get to know the building better and colleagues, and procedures. It was nice to go to mediation and end a busy, intellectual day with being quiet.

A productive day

Monday, 3^rd April

I had a productive day yesterday and used the day to finish my course. I am a bit nervous how I did.

Ben came back in the evening and was quite tired. He assured me he had taken it easy, but the yoga master is known to be a task master. We had a bath together and he went to bed early. I enjoyed the hot water and being washed and being massaged by Ben after my workout earlier and then sitting at the computer for so long. I did not read the paper, I needed to rest my eyes.

I am meeting my manager today to get my shifts for Easter and get some other admin sorted. I need to sign some forms again etc.

Oh, our prospective tenant had to cancel his viewing yesterday, we have re-arranged it for later today.

Ben has requested some time in the cage and is in the playroom, he came along to meet with our new tenant – yes, they loved the flat and will move in in June – and found it a bit upsetting. Not only that we will not have the chance to move back, but the energy between the Master and slave. They are a bit intense. The slave was again very quiet, the Master is clearly a very dominant person. If it works for them, fine. They do not want any of the furniture, and want to decorate, which is fine. The Master offered a rent which is higher than I would have charged. They were initially looking at a more exclusive neighbourhood, but he liked the concept of the house and that the flat has a cell. They might be interested in some gear. He definitely wants to keep the sleep cage.

My shifts over Easter should work fine, and my manager and I spoke about the possibility of me working part-time while doing the lecturing. When I was a student we had some working doctors as teachers, and their lessons were more interesting.

Study day

Sunday, 2^nd April

Sabine called this morning and invited Ben to a yoga event, a space had become available at short notice. Of course he was allowed to go. I have to do some studying and I have not had a chance to read the paper yet. The snow has melted and I gave the pavement a clean. I quite enjoyed doing the work, it was sunny and nice fresh air. I even continued and cleared our neighbours path. I spoke to my aunt, everyone is doing fine. Well, better switch this off and get my qualification.

A busy dayn and some play

Saturday, April 1^st

Our snowman has fallen apart, it looks very sad. Everywhere is wet snow and it looks dirty and messy. We are going to the market and then we are meeting Ingrid and the accountant at a gallery opening.

The market was quite empty of stall holders, so we ended up going to the covered market in Ostermalm and spending a lot of money on little food. But it is very nice food. We did buy stuff we do not usually have. We rushed home to have some lunch, just some pasta, and then went back into town to go to the gallery opening. We were not dressed to have stayed in town. We both felt very uncomfortable at the gathering, but I liked the art. The accountants firm is the sponsor, so as an important client I had been invited and felt obliged to go. We came home and Ben made us some dinner. We ate early, but I like eating early and Ben copes better. I have put him in his sleep sack. He is listening to an audio play. I will test him on it later, I do not want him to drift off or meditate.

Last night I met an old friend of Arne's at the club. His job has taken him all over the world and now he wants to semi retire and move back to Stockholm. He had his slave with him, a young man he met while in the States. The slave was very quiet and kept by his Master's side all the time. I suggested he go and meet some other slaves, Ben was in the slave's corner, they were laughing and having a good time; but the Master refused to let him go. So I called Ben over to introduce him. Still the slave was quiet. He seemed pleased to meet a fellow American, though.

The Master mentioned he was here to look at property. Ben and I exchanged a look and I let him know the flat is available. I am not sure if he knew it from years ago. They are interested and we will meet them at the flat tomorrow. I have another lecture next week, and will attend two lectures on the same day. I have nearly finished my on-line course, I am on a dead line now. I have to do the test by the end of the week. I enjoyed last week, having a bit more time to myself, but I also felt a bit at a loose end and am glad to have some work next week. Then it is nearly Easter and Ruth will be here. I haven't got my shifts yet, I have to ask about it, so we can plan a programme. Hopefully it will be reasonable weather. Ben wants to show Ruth a lot of Stockholm. We might get a car for a few days.

Well, the play is finished. I better deal with my slave.

Friday!

Friday, 31^st March

I cooked last night, Ben had a lot of homework to do. He likes to get on with it. I rarely cook anymore, but I enjoy it. I even managed to make only a little mess. I have picked up some tips from watching Ben. He of course learned it from Erik, who has been trained by professionals to always tidy up as you go.

We both went to the gym, then had lunch at the Centre. Their food is very good. They cater for a lot of dietary requirements, and it is cheap! While Ben was at yoga, I met with Sven. He is still keeping quiet about his new boyfriend. Apparently not without problems, but Sven seems happy.

Tonight is an additional M/s night. We have a large cloakroom, and even provide a space for people to get changed. We will go by train, I will put the coat cuffs on Ben tonight. Set the mood.

just getting on

Thursday, 30^th March

Today the weather has changed, it is getting warmer and we even had a couple of hours sunshine. The snow is starting to melt, our snowman looks a bit crumpled. I was late for my session with my personal trainer, as I was watching the birds feed. I bought a book yesterday so we can identify the birds. I have a session with a trainer from time to time to review my exercises, it is good to change the routine from time to time. I have put on a bit of weight over the winter, so I need to work on that.

I am meeting Ben at the local supermarket when he is finished with yoga to do a big shop.

Meetings

Wednesday, 29^th March

Today Ben helped out at the Townhouse and then spent some time with Per and Lasse. I do not really want to know what they get up to, I know Ben enjoys it. Sometimes they play, sometimes they just hang out. Lasse and Ben have an understanding which works without words.

He gave the flat a once over.

I had a meeting with Martin and Kristoffer, we discussed plans for the summer. The location is such an asset, we have to make the most of it and offer it to “normal” people. We are thinking about building a wood oven and barbecue to offer pizza. We might have to employ a chef, or maybe we can get a company in to run it for us. Martin is going to sort it. We have already made enquiries about offering swimming, but apparently there are some currents and it is too dangerous. Even if we were to employ life guards etc. We actually have to put signs up to discourage people from getting into the water.

Then I had a meeting with the accountant. The first few weeks of trading have been very good.

Mr Allender confirmed the date for painting the house beginning of June. All the permits have been sorted and the company has been instructed. Hopefully this will be the last major work for 10 years.

It felt good to have all these appointments, and I phoned Stefan to meet up. We met for a coffee and a chat. His company is doing well and he asked me again if Ben would be interested in getting some more training as editor so he could help out. I am sure Ben would like it, but I have my reservations.

I like Stefan, I have known him for years, but when he talks about Ben, there is something that makes me uneasy about leaving them too alone. I think Stefan likes Ben too much, and I do not want to risk anything. I want us to be friends. So I'd rather only have them meet when I am there. I am not sure if Ben would be able to handle advances from Stefan. He might think I have approved of it. Anyway. That reminds me, I need to find us a self defence class.

A few views on bondage

Tuesday, 28^th March

It is still very cold and the snow is not melting.

Ben and I had some time in the playroom last night, we experimented with some bondage. He needed it after a quiet afternoon. That's not true, I had been thinking about it all afternoon and came up with a scene. I almost feel sorry for people who live vanilla. Bondage is so exciting. It brings Ben and me closer together, it is an experience one cannot share at all. If people film it or take photos, people looking at it will not be able to feel the atmosphere, they do not share the emotions. When I first got into it, I was sometimes a bit scared, when I experienced something new. But one has to trust the Master. It is all about trust and relaxing and just let it happen. Then it is the best experience. As a Master of course I have to think about what I am doing, I cannot loose control. I have to be careful where I position a belt, so it does not cut off circulation or can cause damage to tissue, but still has an effect. It is also about the psychology, in which order do I do things. Do I talk, or just get on with it. How is my demeanour? Does the sub relax, does he trust me? Sometimes, like last night, I try something, and it is not good. Sometimes it is not immediately obvious, and Ben can be too submissive and rather put up with pain than say something. He was very patient with me last night and was very willing. In the end we found a position we were both happy with and he quietly enjoyed the bounds for an hour. I released him very quickly, which he does not like. But I needed to get control again.

Today I went to the gym and did a good work out, followed by sauna. Ben is out of the house all day. I went shopping with our elderly neighbour on the bus. She says she is ok to walk her dogs.

I am looking forward to go to meditation. We kind of had meditation last night, but this is nice, too.

Still snowed in

Monday, 27^th March

The snow is still bad, but the authorities are making good work clearing it. Sweden is getting on with life. Ben and I checked on our neighbour again and took her dogs to do their business. She reckons she will venture out with them this afternoon, the paths are cleared.

We have built a snowman in our garden. I have not done that since I lived on the farm. We also had a snow fight. We had some lovely freshly made soup and home made bread ( Ben has got the hang of it pretty well now, he found a recipe which works well) and now we have the fire going. Ben is reading, sitting on the floor. It is funny, we are sitting here, comfortably enjoying the snow and the “day off” it brings, while elsewhere people are working in offices, factories, hospitals, experiencing hard ship and fun, and we are very lucky to have the time together. I am looking forward to doing some shifts at Easter, and then I will start regular lectures at the university in May. Hopefully we can

establish some routine.

Sunday visiting

Sunday, 26^th March

The snow is still bad, we have arranged to meet Per and Lasse at a restaurant in town. We both need to get out. I left Ben in the cage 4 hours yesterday. He spent most of the time meditating, he was a little spaced out. We both went to check on our neighbour and to take her dogs out again, he enjoyed that. Our newspaper boy had managed to do the deliveries, so we spent a quiet evening in, reading and watching a bit of TV. Ben had put out lots of food for the birds, we watched them this morning while having breakfast.

We had a good lunch, Lasse enjoyed himself very much. Usually he is quiet in public, people stare. Today he joined in with the conversation and told us a hilarious story from his childhood. It took a long time, but it was a good story. Walking to the train station from our house was not too bad, most people have cleared their footpath. I had cleared half of the unoccupied house, the neighbour on the other side did the other half. That is what I like about living here, we actually are neighbours.

We popped up to the flat after lunch, I am still undecided what to do. The thought of a long term tenant is a bit scary, but I do not want to leave it empty, or have a succession of short term lets.

Ben has gone to walk the dogs for the elderly lady. It is getting dark, he should be back soon. On Thursday a colleague overheard my phone call to Ben about him going to the cinema, she thought I had talked to my teenage daughter. I was asking all these questions about was he going to get some food, I wanted him to take a taxi home, not the train. I explained that he is of slight build and looks much younger; yes, I am over protective. I know he is trained in self defence, but it does not always kick in. I suggested we do a class together, for him to freshen up his skills, for me it would be the first time. He is very keen.

Snowed in!

Saturday, 25^th March

It did snow over night, a lot. It is eerily quiet. We could not open the front door, as the snow had blown against it. Luckily we can get past the house past the bedroom wing. We have access to the garage through the house, so I got the shovel and went via the terrace to go to the front. The road was blocked, thankfully Ben stocked up on Friday. I knocked on some neighbours doors to see if they are ok. Further down the road is an elderly lady with 2 dogs, the dogs did not want to come out, but we dragged them out so they can do their business. She was very glad I checked on her. I did mention to Ben I am glad we do not have a dog, as it is difficult to drag yourself out in this weather. He said he is used to it and would always be prepared to do the walks.

Ben woke me up at 9am, I was still slumbering. I guess it was so quiet outside, it made me sleep well. He had been up already, as usual. He initiated sex, he is such a good lover.

When we finally got up I phoned Per to check on the situation in town. It has not been that bad there.

I phoned my aunt, they did not have any snow at all, it is just very cold there. I had to cut the call to my aunt short as Ben was obsessively cleaning the sink. It took me a few attempts to get him out of his trance. I guess as last resort I could have done what Erik did, push him into the snow. I hope this will not become a regular thing, he is too much on his own at the moment. He said listening to me on the phone checking up on people made him nervous and it was something he had control over, well, or not. We had breakfast and then I shovelled the snow. I needed a shower when I had come back in. Ben had kept busy, I noticed I needed to take charge today. I had noticed earlier he was not wearing a plug, I had asked him if there was a reason (sometimes he gets sore, or it even could get infected), he said it was purely so he would be ready for me any time. After the shower I took him into the playroom and fucked him. I took my time, this morning he had pleasured himself. He had offered to take care of me, I had declined. So this time it was for me. We had lunch and then I put him into the cage in the playroom, loosely attached to the bars. I am upstairs doing some studying. I have the camera on him and the baby monitor. Martin called me, they decided not to open up tonight, the drive is totally snowed in. That's ok with me, I do not want the staff to travel in this weather. We have put a message on the website.

I have to take charge

Friday, 24^th March

Ben stacked the logs on Wednesday, and overdid it of course. I should have remembered and FORBID him to do it. He might have listened and obeyed. When I came back from my shift Per and Lasse were at home, he had called them. I am glad he thought to do so. He just felt a bit unwell, but was ok in general. Apparently his OCD took over and he could not stop himself from stacking. He did go to his classes and to Yoga on Thursday. I took the opportunity to invite P/L for lunch on Sunday. I did not tell him off. I hope this time he finally learned his lesson.

I had some patients I treated before, and some were pleased to see me, that was a nice experience. At the hospital one sees a patient once or twice, and most of the time they are asleep, so to see someone and be involved longer and see how someone is getting better is actually quite nice. I managed to get a little bit of study in, thank good that I am used to crazy hours.

I saw Ben for only a short time Thursday evening, it feels strange to see so little of him. He went to the cinema with some people from yoga, they had arranged it at class. He phoned me at work to check if it was ok. I was pleased for him to have some social time. He came back just after I was at home, they had gone for a drink after the movie. I had just made some tea, so we had a cup together and then we both went to bed. This morning we have both been to the gym. I came home and had to got to work. Again, Ben and I had a drink together after I came home from work, he had the fire on, I am sitting on my own here now waiting for the fire to die down and then I am off to bed as well. He met our new neighbours as he was walking Django, it turns out the cottage is protected due to it's heritage. The couple want to move here permanently, he is an architect and wants to build a very modern extension. We do not have to worry about being overlooked. Ben says they seem very nice. He was tired from a busy day, he did a big shop in the afternoon after walking Django, we are supposed to get a snow storm. Unusual for end of March, but we had snow this time last year, too. I am quite looking forward to have Saturday with Ben, although I have to do some studying. I think it is quite good for us to spend a bit more time apart again.

A morning in bondage - for Ben

Wednesday, 22^nd March

Meditation was good last night, we missed the first 10 minutes, I had not seen Ben all day and he looked so yummie. I pulled him into a side room and we made out. If someone had told me 10 years ago that I can love someone that much I would never have believed it. And be so horny. I truly believe that Ben loves me as well and is up for sex, not only because I “demand” it. I cannot believe it has not even been 2 years, I could never have hoped for it to turn out so well when it was first proposed. Ben is at the moment locked to the pillar in the living room, with his arms in a binder behind him, a collar attached to the ring in the pillar, his legs in a spreader, gagged with a penis gag, clothed. I am waiting for the wood delivery. We had breakfast together and then went for a short walk, while there was a break in the weather. A “sold” sign was just going up next door. That was very quick. I guess we can expect to have building noise all summer.

I have a shift later tonight, and tomorrow a split shift again, as well as Friday. I can get some study done in the breaks, hopefully. I am cooking lunch today. I am going to make a huge mess, and Ben is tied up and watches, ha! He knows I am teasing him with it, and he relishes tidying up later.