Just Sunday

Sunday, 9^th April

This morning Ben and Django let me sleep in, and finally Ben woke me in his style. We had a nice time enjoying each others company in my bed. I had to undress him again, as he had already been out with the dog. We took our time, knowing we would have a visitor in the house and me working. We would not have much time for private times like this.

While I showered Ben made breakfast. We had some home made pastries. He is getting very good at baking. We played with Django in the garden for a while and then took him back home. Ben was tired after running around with Django and had a rest, I cooked us lunch and he managed to eat something. He has had a bit of trouble since yesterday, he thinks it is his nerves. Yesterday when we went to pick up Django we stayed for a hot drink, and had to leave quite suddenly to accommodate his needs. He had not put a bag on. He had been constipated and thought he would be able to release now. It worked out fine, but his schedule is messed up.

We had talked about Ruth's visit and he had gotten anxious again. At least he does realise when it happens and how he can try to rationalise his feelings. He enjoyed spending time with Django in the evening. I had suggested some time in the playroom, but he did not feel he could relax. I was actually not too bothered, I wanted it for him. He then said “something would be nice”, so I fetched his straitjacket and he spent some time strapped quite loosely into it. Django was a bit confused by it.

Today we spent some time planning the upcoming week, the sights Ben wants to show his mother and how we can work with my schedule. I confessed to him the phone call I had made. He was fine with it. He understood my reasons. Some of our friends had said that maybe having Ruth staying in our house would be putting extra pressure on us and if it does not work, she should stay in a hotel. I think they might be right. Ben desperately wants her to understand the choices he has made in life and to accept it. Which mother will know so much about her son's sex life? I guess I have to let them work it out, and be there to pick up the pieces. Ben finds it difficult to express himself, I think he does not know really what he expects of a future relationship with his mother.

I try to not think about it too much, what will happen will happen. I am prepared for the big fall out. I do not know how I will handle it, I mean, me – emotionally. I have friends who I can turn to. And there is always bondage. An escape for a couple of hours.

We can fit in a couple of hours tonight, and I will insist on it. I need it tonight!