Reflections

Saturday, 29^th April

I went to the gym this morning and then to Sauna. I did some shopping on the market. Some traders recognized me as Ben's partner. They asked after him. I told them he is on holiday. I hope he is. I took his collar off. I have taken the key off as well, they are in the safe. The slave was surprised when I ordered him to the office and then on his knees. I said if you want some time off from everything, then that is part of it. While you are in Dalarna, you are not slave Ben, you are Ben. He accepted it. He put his wedding band on instead. He does not wear it. I do not mind. He kept taking it off to wash his hands or something, and I kept finding it. Luckily. Although it is only a cheap one. He will probably take it off and forget it and it will get lost in cow shit.

Well, so I told Barbara that Ben allowed me to read his diary, about his dream. She took a deep breath. I asked her, it must have been very stressful for them. She said it was, as Robert of course had to come to terms with it, but they could not really discuss it. It was immediately obvious that Ben had shut it out. They had been advised not to probe. She had not realised he had forgotten it again. She said that he wanted to be honest about hiding it from me was very much him, but she could understand that he had wanted to keep a secret. They had disclosed a lot about him to me, but he hardly knew anything about me. I told her about him feeling I treat him like a child. She said she could not comment, she did not see us in daily life. Her impression had been that we are VERY close. Good close. In her experience Ben does go through phases when he needs a lot of support, and can be childish. But then he is “normal” again, and one needs to hold back. Then he needs a strong hand, a Master. She suggested having had Ruth there would have upset him very much, and he would have been on an emotional roller-coaster, and trying to satisfy both: his mother, being a grown up son, and a husband and slave to me. She loved that he is taking a holiday. That is actually a good expression. He is not ON holiday, he is taking one. That is kind of what he had said, he needed a break from himself. I just hope he is able to. I need to take one, too.