On my own

Sunday, 30^th April

Just before I left to meet Stephan last night Trude phoned. I was nervous, was Ben alright? See, that is what he means. Why should he not be alright. Why would she phone me only to tell me about a problem. She is my aunt, we are close, she can phone any time. She wanted to know are there any rules she should enforce. I told her he is on holiday, can she just make sure he does not physically overdo it, and that he has his shakes. I asked how he is. She said he was very tense, but is settling down. Dog is happy to have him there. They had noticed he is not wearing his “necklace”. Are things between us that bad? No, we are ok. He just needed a break after having his mother here, and before he needs to look after me as I am starting work. I told her we had not discussed a return date, is it a problem for them? She said he is welcome. The whole family was going to a bonfire at the local sports club.

Stephan and I went to the bar I had been to with Sven. It is pretty much the only exclusive gay bar aimed at the older generation. It is nice to go there if you just want to have a catch up. Of course we talked about my problems, but I was sick of it. I think I know where I have gone wrong – yet again – and how to change it. We talked about his job, my jobs coming up, the flat being let, general stuff. We went to a bonfire. I did not drink too much, but came home quite late and fell into bed.

This morning I missed our routine. I took some pastries out of the freezer to defrost and automatically took out 6. Ben makes the dough and shapes it, then we defrost them or bake them from frozen. It works very well. I pottered about a bit, cleaned the bathroom. Made my bed. It was a nice day and I did some gardening and cleaned out the garage. I noticed a car next door, and took some pastries to our neighbours. A good opportunity to talk about the building plans! They were happy to see me and invited me for coffee, with my pastries. We talked about their building plans, and my plans for the fence. They were enthusiastic about having the leylandi removed. They do need a lot of water and damage the grass. I said to remove them will damage their garden, but they reckon their builders will make a big mess as well, so get it all done at once. He suggested to put a concrete foundation in, then the fence will last longer, and their builder could do it when the foundation gets done, use the same concrete company, save money. I asked them to get back to me with the schedule and price, but it sounds like a good solution to me. I still want to pay, it is my fence, and I have offered to make good their garden.

I was there for a couple of hours. They asked after Ben, and I told them he is in Dalarna, visiting my family. They thought it was nice that they are so close, they would never expect their in-laws to come and visit or vice versa. I guess we are lucky, but Ben is basically such an easy going person.

Later I read the paper, defrosted a meal for me (Thank god Ben keeps on top of it and always makes sure the freezer is well stocked). I had the last of the wine. I sat in his room for a while, that chair is very comfortable! I even considered sleeping in there, but I felt I would invade his space. Strange, I used to live in this room. Now I cannot imagine it. The cell is basically in the bathroom. But once you are asleep it does not matter. When I was in here, I had a desk in the ante room to study. Later of course I moved upstairs and someone else was in this room. I got on well with that young man, although we were from totally different backgrounds.

Funny, I was friends with my ex-lovers new lover, and we all lived in one house, and even still played together and had sex. It was so natural to us then. I do not consider sharing Ben, or playing with other couples. I guess the event in February was exceptional. And Per is allowed to play with Ben, and they enjoy it, both. We never talk about it. I know when they have played. Ben's mood is different.

Ah, I forgot to mention. This morning I masturbated. I was looking for some lube in my bedside table, when I found my chastity device. I decided to put it on, I gave it a good clean and am wearing it now. I will leave it off over night, as I have to get used to it again.