Saturday, 5th November
Erik and Ben turned up when Barbara
and I had nearly finished breakfast. They looked tired, they said
they had been up talking a lot. Later Ben told me they did have sex,
but they only used one condom.
The service was at 2pm, so we had
the morning to kill. Ben knows Toronto a little, he showed me around.
Barbara and Erik wanted to run some errands. We found a Diner to have
some food, Ben was only picking at his.
He wanted to go back to our room
before going to the service. As it was nearly time, I waited for him.
A lot of people turned up, some I could recognise immediately as from
the leather community, even when they were dressed in civilian
clothes. Barbara had requested that they do not come dressed up. She
said some people had travelled far. It was nearly 2pm and Ben was
still not here. Barbara did not want to start without him. I went to
the room, he was sitting on the floor with his head between his
knees, trying to steady his breathing. I sat down with him and guided
him through some exercises. Finally he felt strong enough to go
downstairs. Of course everyone's eyes were on us when we walked into
the room, it was 2.20 by now. Several photos were displayed, Robert
as a child, as a young man next to his truck, with his dogs, and one
of “the family”.
Barbara held the eulogy. I learned
a few things I did not know about Robert. Ben was clasping my hand,
it was getting painful. To be honest, I thought he would handle it
better. When Barbara spoke about him and Robert, her voice changed.
Before she had been quite neutral, now she had empathy in her voice.
Was it because Ben was in the room and she could see how much he was
struggling, or was it because those years had been so special? I
think it was the 2nd. I felt such an outsider! This was
such an important time in Ben's life, it is the reason why we are
together now, but it still is a mystery to me and will always be. The
thought that I will have lots of years of memories with Ben still to
experience comforted me. She did mention me and how happy Ben is now.
She said my reports back on how Ben settled in gave Robert such
satisfaction.
She invited people to share their
memories, Erik spoke, as did some others, Ben did not want to speak.
They played a song Robert had liked and then it was over. There was a
buffet in the room next door. People came up to Barbara, Erik and Ben
and chatted. I held back. I felt I was here to support Ben, not for
Robert. A few people approached me, of course they had seen me with
Ben and concluded who I am. Some read our blog. Mostly they enquired
how Ben is, and they told me what a great couple him and Robert had
been. It was nice to hear that they were so popular. Ben said he did
not have any friends in Canada, he certainly had a lot of
acquaintances who liked him very much and still care about him.
There were some tables and chairs
around the room, proper ones and lounge furniture. I was sitting in
one, I had asked for some proper tea. The waitress brought it to me
when Ben came over and sat down. He was exhausted, he had to answer
the same questions again and again. He drank most of the tea. He had
brought a plate of food, he had not had the chance to eat as he was
constantly approached by well wishers. People started to leave,
Barbara and Erik were able to take a break and eat something as well.
We were all tired and talked out and decided to do our own thing. Ben
and I went to the gym. He stayed under the shower for a long time.
One guy came in and could not stop staring at Ben, I am not sure if
he looked at his stoma or his belt. I finally told him off, they guy
could not leave quickly enough. Ben thought it was quite funny.
We went back to our room, we were
both aroused, but then we ended up just kissing and cuddling. Somehow
we did not feel like having sex. He is already asleep. I took a photo
of him, all tangled up in the sheets. I do not have any photos of
him naked. His hair is still quite short, he looks so young.
He does not have any beard growth,
or chest hair, due to his sex. He took his belt off to dry it and
himself properly and we have not put it back on yet. I think I might
wake him up and we try sex again.
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