Update

Hello,
 I am currently writing Ben's story and will be posting sections on his blog. Hopefully, if work allows, I will update Owe's side as well soon.


Please check out my other blog as well. Thanks. Oh, and I would REALLY appreciate feed back.

2 months worth of diary

Wednesday, 9^th May

Ben and I have almost settled back in. We both have to work on finding a routine for us. Monday work was fine, I went to the gym afterwards. I had told Ben I would have a meal at lunch time in the canteen, so we had something light in the evening. He had baked a cake for me to take. How sweet.

He woke me on Tuesday and then left for school. He had left me a packed lunch. I ate at the University. I had a class at 5pm, so had my lunch then. I found a note in it. I had said I am not sure if I would be up to go to meditation, but I was so wired, I thought it would be good. I arrived just in time. Ben was pleased to see me. We did not have much time to talk. I had had a busy day, giving several lectures and smaller classes and meeting lots of people. I went home in the break, I was too tired for the 2^nd part. It felt funny, leaving Ben there and going home on my own. Ben had offered to come with me, but I actually wanted to be on my own. I came home and had a bath. I was just making hot chocolate when Ben came home. We had a drink and a catch-up and then both went to bed. I kind of missed him, but I was too tired.

Today I had to be at the University quite early, and I have to go into town and then out again on a different line. Ben woke me and made me a packed lunch again. He has made plans, he finds it a bit lonely suddenly. I only had a short day, I was home by 3pm. We had arranged to meet a landscape gardener at the club. We want to get the outside done quickly. A member's brother just lost a huge contract and he is available at short notice. He will start in a weeks time. We are making a decked area, partly roofed. We have talked about more plans for the outside, but we need to get permission. It will involve turning the kitchen into a bar open to the outside and creating access to toilets from outside. For this year we are only doing the basics.

When we came back Ben asked if he can test the lake for swimming. I gave him permission, he coped alright, so is now allowed to go swimming if it is a sunny day. We had a bit of bondage after dinner. I let him choose some restraints. It gave me a boner and he gave me a nice blow job whilst restrained. He had his hair cut today, just the way I like it. It was perfect. For him as well.

Another day lecturing tomorrow and then next week. Time goes so fast.

Thursday, 10^th May

I had another long day lecturing today. It is fun. I had a few talks with students today, it is good to be asked questions. Something I was asked I could not answer and I went into the library to research. I quite like the whole atmosphere.

I had lunch at the University restaurant, so we had a light dinner again. Ben had been busy today, so he was happy. He had to give a talk about his stay in Dalarna. He said it was ok as he knows his class mates so well, otherwise he would have panicked. He had good feedback from his teacher about his report. It is only 6 weeks until his exam, he is having extra sessions with Ingrid. She is organising another mock exam for him.

I am planning on a little session tonight, and then I want him in the cage in my room.

Friday, 11^th May

We both went to the gym today and Ben went to yoga this afternoon. We had a bit of time in the play room last night, and then he slept in the cage. I have enforced myself a little today. He has responded

well. We came home after gym and Ben cooked lunch while I read in preparation for next week.

I felt like some fresh air and went for a walk while Ben was at yoga. We met at the town house, we were invited to P/L for dinner. I would like to get the bed from the flat to the house, maybe I can hire a van?

Saturday, 12^th May

So, we are clearing the flat out next weekend. Mats has very kindly offered to bring the bed over. He has been contacted by our tenant, and they have arranged to have the flat painted. Just the coloured walls. He wants it white. We are going to give the kitchen stuff to a charity. They will pick it up, there are a few items of furniture left as well. On one hand I am glad that the flat will be occupied, but then it was MY home for so long! Anyway, I have not lost it totally!

This morning I went to the gym and sauna while Ben did the shopping. We went to the supermarket together to get some more stuff.

It has been nice weather and Ben went swimming. We laid in the sun for a bit afterwards. It was nice to just spend some time together. He has been a bit quiet, but at the moment I think let him be, or maybe he is just quiet because he is a good slave? Towards the evening it got cold and I made a fire. I chained Ben to the post while we both read and had some music on. Ah, domestic bliss!

Sunday, 13^th May

Last night we spoke with Barbara. Erik has gone to see his family, major problems there! I almost got jealous when I saw how Ben's face had a glow when he spoke to Barbara. They get on very well, there is still a connection between them. They talked quite a while chatting about people they know. B had a letter from Ruth. She said it was quite personal, but she appreciated it.

This morning we spent some time in my bed, at first we just lay together. Then I “ordered” Ben to fuck me. I just suddenly wanted to be fucked! I think it is different, to be fucked by a sub. As a “service”. But it was good! I think Ben was hoping for a fuck, he has to wait a bit longer. Tonight. It was still quite cool today and we went out for lunch into town. To a tourist restaurant in Gamla Stan. We had a look at the shops and just had a leisurely afternoon. We bought some cakes and had fika here. I have been a bit more authoritative and Ben has responded very well. He seemed a bit more lively today, but I know something is on his mind. I am torn between “forcing it out of him” or let him be and he will tell me in time. I just do not want it to develop into something. I thought the trip to Dalarna helped him? Hm, I think I let him be just a few more days. We both have enough stuff going on. I am not sure if I want to deal with a problem right now.

I better take him to the play room for a good f...

Monday, 14^th May

Just a quick entry, I was at work today, nothing much happened. I told Ben I would eat at the hospital and we could have just some bread and cold meat in the evening, so he sorted his own main meal. I went to the gym afterwards. After sitting all day filling in forms it was quite nice to do some exercise. Ben left me in peace when I came home, I kind of need to adjust myself, to relax. He says he has been busy with homework, housework, etc. He is fine. We had a nice chat over dinner and then just sat and watched tv. He was a bit restless. But I was quite tired.

Tuesday, 15^th May

I enjoyed my lectures today, I have to give the students a test and I prepared that and discussed it with my head of department. The students will do it on Thursday. I went home and then came into town for meditation. Ben and I had some private time before we joined the class. I have a half day tomorrow, I think we will use that time!

Friday, 18^th May

So, Wednesday we had a good session in the playroom and all around the house. We are still trying to get back into a routine, and I feel there is still something unspoken in the air. We are fine, but I somehow feel we are tiptoeing around each other. I am still a bit more demanding, and Ben is not complaining. He seems to thrive on it.

Thursday I had to stay longer at work, we have to mark papers at the University. I was not allowed to take them home and do it here. So I had to mark 30 papers all at once. Luckily it was easy, just answers, multiple choice etc. No essays. It is soo boring when you have to read the same stuff 30 times over! I had to stay longer, I phoned Ben, he sounded disappointed. When I got home I was quite tired. He made us a nice dinner and then we went for a drink. I needed something to relax me and we “celebrated” my first stint of lecturing. The students will be able to pick up their corrected work from the office. I do not have to return it. I think I will miss it, but I also look forward to concentrate on the hospital work now for a few months before I have lectures again. I have to go to some meetings, planning lectures and stuff like that. Academic life is interesting.

Today we went to the gym, then Ben met with Ingrid for tuition and then he went to yoga. I went to the club to check on the work outside. It is progressing well and the contractor will also put in the extra lighting along the drive and make a better car park. Ours got quite destroyed by having all the contractors vehicles there in winter. It is going to cost a bit, we have to get back to reserves. Luckily the final bill for the inside work was actually not that much over the quote, so we still have some money available from our building fund. Business has been good. As we are only open during the evening, the current work does not interfere with the running of the business. Martin and I discussed holidays for the staff and if we should open during the day in the summer. We will have to get some extra staff in to work days. But there are enough students looking for work during the summer. I am sure Martin will handle it.

Ben and I met at the flat after his yoga and we packed up the kitchen. Sahid had organised us some boxes from his parents shop. We did not feel very sentimental about it, it was actually quite well used stuff and some we actually threw out. The charity guys will come tomorrow morning to pick up the last bits, and Mats will bring the bed over. We have invited Sahid and Mats for fika tomorrow, as a thank you. Ben wants to come nearer the date to give it a clean, there is no point to do it now.

It will just need a vacuum and dusting anyway.

Tonight we are both quite tired. I have put Ben into his sleep sack. He was a bit wound up after clearing the flat. I am planning to tease him a bit. Maybe it will turn to sex. Then I want him in the cage again tonight.

Sunday, 20^th May

Well, an eventful weekend, and then not. Saturday we had to be at the flat early to get the removal guys in. Of course they could not park, as it was so busy, luckily Mats and Per were parked behind each other in the road and they moved their cars into another street so the van could get in. Thanks, guys! Then we brought the bed down and put it into Mats's van, once he parked it in front of the house again. It was strange, seeing the flat totally empty. I have never seen it totally empty. The coloured walls are really horrible, what was I thinking? It will be interesting to see how our tenants will furnish it. Ben did not hang around, he still likes the flat very much, and sees it as “home”. Although he did say, home is where I am, so he could be home anywhere. Aah.

Then I went to the gym and sauna. Ben did his usual shopping and met Sabine for a coffee. I did some shopping in the supermarket and took a taxi home. We had lunch and then Ben baked, ready for our guests. I did some gardening at the front. I like gardening, it relaxes me. And I like to see something grow and nurture it. I am quite happy to get rid off the leylandi, I will be able to grow flowers along the fence!

In the afternoon Mats and Sahid came with the bed. We took it upstairs and brought the old one down. We have put it into the garage for now. When I had gone into the garage earlier to get some tools, I nearly had a heart attack. Ben had his neoprene suit hanging up, and I thought it was a person! How silly of me, who would sneak into our garage? It reminded me of Ben's experience, he obviously does not get spooked by it. Thank God! I think it will haunt me for a while longer. I almost think it would have been better for me not to know. Ben was right, I need to respect his privacy and him as an individual more. We talked about it today.

Well, Saturday we had a good time with Mats and Sahid. They have been thinking about making their relationship more “official”, by Mats wearing a collar. They do not want to provoke looks or questions though. They thought about doing it in private only. It was nice to be able to share our experiences and give advice about a M/s topic. Mats has been wearing one at home and they both feel it has made a difference. We recommended the supplier for Ben's collar and suggested there is lots of stuff out there which looks “normal”, but they know the truth and it will influence their perception. They did not stay into the evening as Sahid is studying for his finals for his computer science course. It has been a fine day and I allowed Ben to go swimming. I made a fire and we had some soup for dinner. Then we had a bath and finished the evening on the sofa in front of the fire, reading.

This morning it was raining, so we had some time in my bed and then a quiet breakfast. Ben did some homework, utilising a newspaper article again. I cooked lunch. In the afternoon it got brighter and I felt restless. We took the train and went to a park. I finally got myself together and brought up some tricky subjects again. I started with Ruth visit. I asked Ben how he felt it went. We had a good talk, about her visit, his trip to Dalarna and our argument. I went right back to the beginning of our relationship to try to explore where I had been going wrong, what had made me treat him like a child. It was a long overdue talk and it was good for us. Ben was a bit reluctant to talk. I said I felt like there was still an elephant in the room, which everyone ignores, so now it is just not as big and makes it's presence known. He admitted we needed to define our life anew, and set up “rules” and establish a routine. Me going back to work, we both need to adjust to that. We came to a few conclusions, one thing is that I will eat more at work, so he has to eat his main meal by himself. Which he did not like very much. He said he might meet friends or go the Center more, which is fine by me. He just does not like to eat by himself. Meals can still be a problem. But I am not to interfere!

He mentioned that I had been more of a Master lately and he had enjoyed that. I explained that it can be quite hard work, being Master. I am not sure If I can keep it up. We agreed I will try, as it has come quite naturally to me anyway. But we will keep talking! At home we looked at the diary and kind of planned the next few weeks. We have the builders at the club, the house being painted, the fence being done, his exam, the tenants moving in. Quite a few things going on.

I think it was good to sit down and plan the next 6 weeks or so. We both know what to expect, kind of. Of course something could always happen...

Monday, 21^st May

Wow, I'm whacked!

I had to go to work today, I did assessments of patients and had to attend a meeting. After work I went to the gym. Ben greeted me with a tea when I came home and left me to unwind. He joined me a bit later and asked about my day. He said he had to talk to me. That sounded ominous! I think he had realised as he corrected himself. He had been outside cleaning the windows when our new neighbours approached him, they want to talk more about dates for the work. He advised them it was my department and to call us, about 7pm would be a good time to talk. OK. I had not showered after gym, so I went to to do that while Ben prepared some dinner. He also made a fire in the kamin outside and we had dinner on the patio. It was distributing a lot of heat and and we snuggled together. One thing led to another and we had sex, with Ben lying on the table on his back. I often think, when in movies they have sex on a desk, how uncomfortable, and it is not great. Especially for the person on the table. Ben was eager though and even came to orgasm just before me.

We were just finished when the phone rang. After some discussion we agreed to try to find a date with the builder and my gardener and all sit down together. We have pencilled in this Friday.

Ben had cleared up and brought everything inside. It still gets quite cold in the evening. He had been

swimming earlier, when it was warmer and sunnier. I told him to fetch the rope and the hood he likes. He has worked on it, it is shiny and more flexible. I started off without the hood, he enjoyed that. After I had him in a good position I put the hood on. I got some more rope and continued, which he would not have expected. I had a well wrapped parcel on our living room floor. I left him to it, walking around a bit, as I knew he would feel the vibrations. I left him for about an hour, then undid the ropes so his arse was nicely available to me. I fucked him again. The sounds he made he enjoyed it. I like to hear him, but he does not make extra noises because I like it. If he is noisy, then it is natural. I took his hood off before I undid the rest of the ropes. He had a glorious expression on his face. We made out a bit more before I sent him to bed. I am going to bed now, it has been a long day!

Tuesday, 22^nd May

Ben is already in bed, or at least in his room. He had to wake me twice this morning, I did not want to get up! Usually I wake up with my alarm, as Ben has his own agenda on a Tuesday morning. Today he realised I had ignored my alarm and woke me. He made me a lunch box and the last piece of cake. We talked about my plans after work and before meditation. I said I do not know, but I definitely am coming tonight.

When I got changed to do operations I realised I had forgotten my keys. Never mind. While we were in theatre, I had a page. Ben had phoned, he has my keys and can drop them off. I phoned him during a break. He was in class but took my call. We decided to meet for lunch at the hospital. I was late for lunch, but it did not matter, I got my keys. Ben mentioned what a choice of different diets they offered, it must be hard work for the catering staff. Mmh, I had never paid attention to it, really. I care that the food is good, and if the meat is Halal, I eat it too. Some colleagues refuse to eat it as they do not think it is ethical. In the afternoon we had an emergency and I went straight to the centre when I finished. I was glad for my lunch box. I still had some time and went into the garden, where I found Ben and a staff member lying in the sun in the grass. I joined them and was soon asleep. I only had a power nap, it got quite uncomfortable. I was just in time. We came home and I had a shower while Ben made us some tea. I am glad that he is here. He enables me and makes life so much easier.

Wednesday, 23^rd May

It was a normal day at work. The old guy we did the emergency operation on yesterday died this morning. We did not expect him to live. The operation was really a waste of time (and resources). But the medical and ethical code means we had to try. There was no family to discuss treatment and he did not have a “do not treat”. Most people do not have that, mostly only people who have a long term illness. Anyway, people who are not regularly ill, we would not have that information on file. Anyway. I went to the gym after work and am now at home enjoying the nice weather in the garden. It has been unseasonally warm. Ben had a busy day today, with extra lessons with Ingrid.

I have been able to get hold of our gardener and we have confirmed Friday for our little meeting.

Martin wants to meet with me, the work in the garden is done and he wants to go through some finances with me. How boring, but it must be done. Usually I just have to sign stuff off, he is a good manager. We will do it on Friday before M/s night.

Right, Ben is out from his swim. He had his fun, now it is my turn.

Thursday, 24^th May

Time goes so fast. Another week at work over. I am not that used to being in theatre anymore, the artificial light and filtered air is getting to me. Today I just sat on a bench after work for a while, enjoying the sun and air. I got a coffee and read a magazine. Ben knows that I do not always finish on time, so usually I let him know when I get on the train so he has an idea when I will be back. Today he had been at yoga anyway and probably needed to do some shopping afterwards anyway, so he would not have been at home. I kind of enjoyed having some time to myself. Not to have to consider anyone else. Strange. I like to have Ben around and kind of look after him. I enjoy the power I have. I enjoy the feeling of being needed. As a doctor one gets used to that, the respect you get.

Last evening we ended up with Ben in his straitjacket in the cage. I left him to it for several periods, it was a good evening for both of us.

Friday, 25^th May

I went to the gym first thing, Ben went later. I was up early and felt energetic.

Ben woke me in his usual manner, that was nice!

I met with Stephan for an early lunch. I had two beers and actually felt a bit tipsy for a bit. We were able to sit outside, it is nice and warm. I came home and checked e-mails etc before the meeting with my gardener, the builder and our neighbours. Ben's yoga had been cancelled so he was here as well. It was good to have the meeting, as it is far more complicated than we thought to get the timing right and organise all the trades. Ben left the table and was gone for quite a while. He had gotten anxious and went to calm down. The meeting went on for about an hour. Our neighbours want to hold a get together before the work starts to inform everyone. The road will be blocked by a crane to lift glass panels in for at least one day. They had to get permits. Well, they must have money!

Ben went swimming. It looked tempting, but the water is far too cold. Maybe I should get a swim suit as well. I prepared his shake for him for when he got out. He needed to shower and dry his hair, which does not take long as it is so short. We both had our main meal at lunch so we had a snack and then went to the club. We had not seen the outside work finished, it is very good. Even on a quite light evening, the lighting along the drive is certainly better. We have been advised well. The new deck is great, with a separate area for smokers. It almost looks like a very expensive place, the new car park all nice as well. Martin and Kristoffer were very happy with the builders, they tidied up every evening and they had no problems at all. Martin and I got the office stuff done quickly, he has already got some names for people who are interested to work during the summer. He has done the sums for our target turnover/running costs to make a profit and come up with some food items we can easily offer, like ice cream. We need to hire some coolers, but that is easy. I think he relishes the new challenges the new premises offer. He had good ideas and presented me with all the figures. I guess Ben should have been involved. I told him about Martin's plans on the way home, he was fine with it all. He said of course he is interested the business does well, but he is not worried about the return for the investment, he wants the business to succeed as it is a good business and employs good people. We had a nice evening chatting to friends. Sven invited us for a visit, his new boy is finally ready to meet some of his friends and we are the first. “Boy” is actually older than Sven, was married and recently finally admitted to his homosexual feelings and his submissive side.

We left just before 23.00, we took a taxi home. At this time our bus is finished and we both had a long day. Ben went straight to bed.

Saturday, 26^th May

Ben and I were talking today, it is crazy, it is nearly 2 years since he came to Sweden. It seems so much longer! We talked with Erik and Barbara, they have finalised their travel plans and they are coming in early September. It is both their birthdays around then, so it is kind of their birthday treat.

I will be working, Ben will look after them. They are more here for him, anyway. Erik is excited, it will be first time for him to Europe. His family situation is better, all of his siblings are now living away from home. His parents are ailing and need a lot of professional care.

I did my usual gym/sauna this morning. We met with Per/Lasse for coffee in town. I guess now that we do not see them that often, I noticed Per has aged recently. Ben went with Lasse to buy something, and I asked Per if everything is ok. He assured me he is fine, but my instinct says there is something. Lasse would be so lost without Per. Luckily he has a good relationship with his brother.

In the afternoon we were just at home, reading the paper, etc. Ben had a bit of homework to do. A part of his exam is to listen and they should take notes and then answer some questions. So we practised that, I read a passage out of the newspaper, he took notes and then I set him some questions. I quite like this, it challenges me as well. It makes me comprehend a piece better.

Tonight we watched a movie, Ben was on the sofa with me. I stroked him on the small of his back, it is an erotic zone for him. I had restrained his hands and feet together, so he had to sit and take it. He nearly came.

I asked him to sleep in my bed tonight. He is getting it ready. It will be nice to wake up next to him tomorrow morning!

Sunday, 27^th May

We woke up to rain! So we stayed in bed a while. We actually did not have sex. It was just nice being together. We had a leisurely breakfast and then Ben did some baking and planned some meals for the week. I felt a bit lost, nothing to do. I came to the office for something to do and ended up looking at a lot of stuff on the internet. I printed out some medical articles I want to read. I had a look if I can find a self defence course, I could not find anything and I ended up e-mailing a few instructors to see if they can do a session at the club. I also contacted the massage lady to check her availability. Martin had told me that Pride had been in contact again, are we sure we are not participating this year? We talked about it and we both thought we do not want to get involved. Pride Stockholm is an event for people from further away, we are not a club to come to once or twice. We have our regulars, that's what makes the club. Our regulars come as they know the fellow punters and feel it is a safe environment. Our members are mainly fetish people, we are not only aimed at homosexuals. We probably are fifty/fifty hetero/homo, or even more hetero.

After a late lunch we took the train to a suburb and walked through the streets. It was just a normal housing estate and not somewhere you would go for walk. It was nice to be somewhere different.

We bought some snacks at the train station and then went for a drink to our local. We met Stine and Torben there and had a good chat. Django was not having a good day, apparently he sleeps more these days.

Monday, 28^th May

We had a meeting at work today, the hospital has agreed to do an operation on a kid from Afghanistan for free. The boy has multiple injuries and we will try to make things better. All the doctors will do it for free. I have volunteered. I have also volunteered to cover national day shifts, they were short a senior doctor. And I have been asked to mentor an Anaesthesia trainee from September. I remarked that I will be away for a few weeks to lecture, while the trainee will be at the hospital. So we will think about that a bit longer.

I think I have settled back into work quite well. I like the intellectual challenge and the camaraderie.

I went to the gym after work. I had a short session, I had such a busy weekend. But it was nice to be physically active after sitting a lot at work today.

It was nice to come home and have everything like usual. I thought, what would I have done two years ago? Maybe some housework? Shopping? Cooking? I do not have to worry about such things now. Ben was very attentive to me and it makes it easy for me to be authoritative. So, Ben spent some time secured to the pole. I tested him on some vocabulary. Swedish spelling can be difficult. It is easier to write, but he just had to spell, like in a spelling bee. It was a challenge for him. He did well and got a reward. He was allowed to give me a blowjob!

Now bedtime for both of us, separately.

Wednesday, 30^th May

I cannot believe May has only 1 day left, this month has gone so fast!

Yesterday nothing special happened, I went to meditation in the evening. I came home after work and travelled back into town. It always feels a bit strange if I am at home alone.

Today I met briefly with all our tenants to check in with them about the work being done soon. They all chose to go on holiday, except Per and Lasse and Mats and Sahid. So I have e-mailed Mr Allender and have asked him to find a security company who can patrol several times a night. I am afraid that the scaffolding will make it easy for people to climb up and break in. Although our new windows should be pretty secure. I called Per and informed him abut my plans, he is pleased about that. It must feel strange for them to be the only people in the house.

We have had a quiet evening, Ben has had a session with Ingrid again and has a lot of homework to do.

Thursday, 31^st May

Today I went to the gym after work, I only did a short session. I bumped into Ben on the way home, he had done some shopping. We were not aware of our travel plans and really just happened to meet.

It was almost like seeing someone after a long time and we were both happy to meet. It came over me and I kissed him passionately. I think we attracted some looks and Ben was very embarrassed.

We walked home together and talked about our day. He has a group project to do work on and wants to meet with his school mates tomorrow afternoon, after yoga.

He cooked us a light dinner and now I have put him into his sleep sack. He was a bit fidgety. He was reluctant, he thought he would not be able to relax. Well, he looks relaxed to me, now. It did not take him long to give in, he knew better. I should really punish him for objecting in the first place. He will sleep in the cage tonight, but I had decided on that before he gave me trouble. And it is not a punishment, he loves it. To be allowed to be in my room.

Friday, 1^st June

I really like being a Master and having such a good slave. He woke me this morning, still with his muzzle on, kneeling in front of my bed, head bowed, hands behind his back, quietly calling me and making sure I wake up gently. I was of course already awake and pretended to be more sleepy than I was. I took him into bed and fucked him. Him still wearing the muzzle was very hot. Afterwards we had a shower together, of course I took the muzzle off. He soaped me nicely and gave me a good wash. He towelled himself after he had done me. I told him to get dressed, and I would dress myself.

I did not want him to get cold.

We prepared breakfast together and then Ben went to the gym. I gave gym a miss, I had a work out already and had of course showered. After yoga he met with his class mates at the library, they got chucked out, they had lost track of time. He phoned me and apologised, I forgave him. It is important that he has “normal” time with his mates. I made us dinner, he was ravenous when he came home. I told him off for not organising to have a shake. He said he had not expected they need that long. I forgave him.

Saturday, 2^nd June

As it is National Day on Wednesday, and a religious holiday on Monday, a lot of people take holidays. We will not be very busy at the hospital, and I have volunteered to work on National Day and Friday, so I have Monday off. I suggested we go somewhere. We rented a car and are planning to drive south. See where it takes us. Ben would really like to see Astrid Lindgren country. It will be busy, but why not. I have never been there!

Monday, 4^th June

We are back from our little trip, we had a lovely time. I think it was good for us to get away.

Vimmerby was busy, of course lots of families. We did not feel out of place though. I am glad we are not “feminine” gays. That would have been too much of a cliché. I understand that some cannot help it, but still.

I called Vimmerby tourist office to see about accommodation. We did not really want to leave it to chance. We were lucky to get a room at the main hotel. We took our time driving, swapping often, taking smaller roads. We arrived early evening and had a good meal in the hotel restaurant. Sunday we explored the theme park. It was a bit over the top, we thought. But we still had a good time. We were not the only adults there, which helped.

Today we did some detours to see some of the locations for filming and then came home via a main road. Ben has no school tomorrow, so he will take the car back to the rental place. He is meeting with his class mates to work on their project. They have to give a presentation on Thursday.

We are both quite tired from so much driving, we are not used to it. The car was nice, we splashed out on a bigger model.

I felt like going swimming, and came to the local pool. Ben came as well, he wore his suit and got some funny looks. It was not very busy and we were able to do some exercise. I admit, Ben had more stamina than me and looked very good. It was good to have the car, I think if we had not had access to it, we would not have gone swimming. It would have been awkward to bring his wet swimsuit on the train. Ben has already gone to bed, I think he is still reading.

I'm bushed as well, long day tomorrow.

Tuesday, 5^th June

Nothing much happened today, but I feel better for putting some thoughts down at the end of the day. It is nice to sit and reflect. Sort your head. Put some things to rest. I understand how Ben finds it beneficiary to write a dairy.

Work was quiet, I was on call for emergencies and spent actually most of my time in the emergency dept. Although we had nothing major. I am one of a handful of senior doctors covering this week, and it is a nice feeling, to be respected and asked for your opinion due to your/ my experience.

I think I will say yes to mentor that trainee in September. Even it means I have to go the hospital for a few hours each week when I am lecturing. I heard a rumour that our department head is leaving, and there will be a re-shuffle of responsibilities. Most of my colleagues had meetings with HR, but nothing has been said. Why do they keep it hushed up? I always found this hospital was very good in regards to staff.

I went to the gym after work and sauna. I went to the Center afterwards and was able to get something to eat there. I had a chat with B, just a regular chat. It still left me feeling like I had been through a consultation. We had a good session, not all of the regulars were there and we actually finished earlier. Ben and I watched some tv, very unusual for a Tuesday evening! We watched a re-run of Friends. My, that show is dated now! He is sleeping in the cage again tonight. I wanted it.

Wednesday, 6^th June

Summer! National Day! Alcohol!

A massive fight at a party and we had to deal with several stabbings! People who are drunk are difficult to anaesthetise. We got them all through it. I asked Ben to meet me after work and we chilled in the park near to the hospital before going home. Ben had brought a flask of coffee and cake. It was very clever of him to do that. I realised when he unpacked it, that was exactly what I fancied!

I phoned Trude, they are busy with summer guests. One of their cows is ailing after giving birth, the vet does not know either. Hopefully it is an isolated case, they will have lots of calves coming now.

I am waiting up, I want to speak to my father. I have e-mailed him and we have arranged a time. He is still working and in meetings today. But National Day kind of makes me think about family.

Friday, 8^th June

A normal day yesterday. I went to work and to the gym afterwards. As I was working today, I could not do my usual Friday am gym session. I will go tomorrow morning and Sunday. Lets test a Sunday.

Ben had his presentation yesterday, they got a good mark. He said he is going to miss classes and his class mates. We talked again what he could do next term. There are plenty of classes he can do, in adult education. He wants to decide nearer the time.

I had a good chat with my father on Wednesday. He has cut his hours and is enjoying more time sailing. Funny, I never got into it. And I got seasick easily. He had a share of a boat when he lived in Stockholm.

It was strange working on a Friday. A lot of people, even in the hospital, do not work at the weekend and they spread that “It's Friday” feeling. The week has gone so fast.

Today I was asked to give a woman in labour an epidural. She had laboured for some 12 hours and was tired and finally agreed to the procedure. That is quite normal. When I assessed her, things sped up suddenly. There is a point when it is too late for an epidural, and she had just reached that point. Nothing I could do with my expertise, now she had to do it naturally. She grabbed my hand and did not let go, I had to stay for the birth. She had gotten it into her head I was her lucky charm. From experience and stories I had heard, I know, you do not mess with a woman in the last stages of labour! So I had to stick around. It amazes me what a human puts up with. And even as a doctor, the thought that we can form a human being from a drop of sperm and a bunch of cells still amazes me. As a gay man, or even man, I find birth horrible. I am quite surprised I can type as easily, as she squeezed my hand...

Well, as a thank you she asked me what name my wife has, as she would like to include the name for her daughter. I answered: I have a husband. There was a short, embarrassed silence, then she asked what about your mother? So I told her and they liked it. 2 hours later a colleague commented that that little girl is lucky not to be called “Benjamina”. Wow, news travels fast.

Saturday, 9^th June

We had our usual Saturday morning routine. Gym was busy this morning, I guess some more men wanted to escape the family after they had a holiday. Sitting in the sauna, of course one checks out the other men. I think I would not like to be in a gay only gym, or even go to a gay only session. That kind of implies it will turn to sex. Not all gay men have sex on their brain ALL the time. And I get plenty at home. Why risk something. Ben is great at giving blow jobs, and otherwise. I like the intimacy with sex. I like to know how my partner reacts, what he likes, how I can make it last longer. I like when my partner knows how I like it. For me it is not about the short high, the relief. For me it is the whole experience. Yes, I sometimes have a quickie with Ben. But often we follow that up with another one, slower. This year I have not had my spring horniness. I guess I am getting old. I wore my device for a few days while Ben was away, but it was not that much fun. It is better if someone else is in control, if there is the mind control. Chastity is more in the mind. That is what Ben says as well. His belt is more a symbol. Physically for him anyway.

I regress. We have managed to get a security company to patrol the house. The scaffolding will go up tomorrow, so the painting can start early Monday. And apparently there are less people around and it makes it safer.

Our tenants will move in the following week. Apparently they have shipped some furniture. They might stay in a hotel for a few days before physically moving in, as they need to buy stuff. Fine, he is paying rent from the 15^th, I do not care. Ben still wants to give it a once over. And he is already preparing a list with tips like he did for the Germans. We have it on the fridge, and sometimes he suddenly gets up and adds something to it.

Tomorrow we will go to Sven's house for lunch to meet his new boyfriend. Or manfriend. Partner.

It is going to be a normal social event.

This afternoon we spent as usual, reading, Ben studying. I have tested some of his spelling again.

Oh, I went to the library today and got some books on garden design and plants. I am planning my new flower bed. Ben is out walking Django at the moment, Stine and Torben are at a wedding. Popular time of year for that.

It is later on Saturday, I had a call from Trude earlier. She asked if Ben was around. She sounded as if she did NOT want him around, and I told her he was out. Dog had died that morning. The dogs sometimes find their own place to sleep, and he had not turned up in the morning. So the children looked for him and found him in one of the equipment barns which is rarely used. The vet was there anyway, and he diagnosed that Dog had a belly full of blood. They assume he had been hit by a hoof from a cow the evening before and bled all night. By now it was too late. By the time the vet came back from his car to put Dog to sleep his heart had given up. Everyone is very upset. His Mum, usually not that affectionate with her son, sat by his grave all day. Ben had phoned me just before to ask permission to stay with Django a while at his house, he was a bit unsettled. I had suggested he can bring Django here. Ben thought it was not such a good idea, Django has not been to ours for some time, and if he was afraid in his own house, how would he be in a strange house. I guess Ben knows Django better, so I let him. As I write this Ben is still out. I am sad. How will Ben react?

Better not speculate. Ah, here he is.

Sunday, 10^th June

Well, Sunday morning at the gym was an experience. It was busy, but not crowded. Many women!

I do not think I will go on a Sunday soon again. Ben went swimming when I came home, and then we went to Sven's.

He took the news of Dog's death well. Of course he was upset. Later in the evening he suddenly cried. I shed a few tears as well. He had stayed with Django until he had fallen asleep. Django had seemed disorientated and barked at furniture. Ben thought that Django could not see very well. He had gotten spooked during their walk. I guess there will be another hard decision to be made soon.

So, we took a taxi to Sven's house as it is complicated by train. We came back that way.

What a surprise D. was. After 28 years of marriage, he left his wife, his job, his friends, to start again. He had been in contact with Sven via a dating site for some time, talking. Finally they met up, and what started as friendship turned to more. D lives on his own at the moment and works as a taxi driver. He says he finds it difficult to juggle muggle life and his desire to finally live his fetish. Sven is good at keeping him under control and the time they spend together is quality time. Sven seems to relish that he finally has someone who craves that attention. D has lost some weight under Sven's strict guidance and it is still work in progress. I can quite understand that Sven did not bring him to the club, as D's appearance is very different from his usual pretty, fit boys. But it is really that D is not ready to “come out” yet. He is older than Sven, but seeing them together D is very much the submissive. We had a good time together. D was very interested to get to know Ben and learn from him. Ben looked a bit surprised when D said that. He said, I don't know what you expect. It is a journey you have to figure out for yourself, by yourself, with your Master. Of course that is right, but I think he can still give some advice.

He was quite quiet all afternoon and on the train home. I asked him if everything was alright, he said of course, he was just being a good slave who does not talk too much! Hm, I think it was more. Here I go again, interpreting Ben and making him weaker than he is. Stop it!

He is studying now, he has a session with Ingrid tomorrow afternoon.

I fancy a session in the play room tonight. I am trying to plan a scene, but need some inspiration for once. I have puppy play on my mind from our visit today, but I that is not for us. Not this weekend!

Monday, 11^th June

I went by the house after work to check on the work. I bumped into Mats who was just in between jobs. Sahid was not happy yesterday, as he is working on a course project and his deadline is tomorrow. Mats had been at work all weekend to give him space. I am sure we had announced that the scaffolding will go up Sunday. It took about 4 hours and was quite noisy. But Sahid put some ear plugs in and managed to get work done. I know what it is like to have exams, and I have a nervous boy in my house, studying all the time.

Yesterday I almost had to drag him away from his books into the playroom. But after Thursday evening; in general he should not question me! He admitted later he thoroughly enjoyed it and it was the right thing to do. I told him I am quite happy to test him on his spelling and for every mistake he gets a stroke with a cane. He chose to do it the “normal” way.

Ingrid was still at ours when I came home. They had finished studying and had fika. I had a tea as well, but gave cake a miss. Ingrid and the accountant are looking for a flat or house. She spends most of her time at his anyway, but they both want to be able to have their own space, so need something bigger. I am glad that it is working out for both of them!

The boy wanted a walk after dinner as he had spent so much time in the house today, I did not mind. We had a drink at the pizza place. It was quite busy for a Monday evening. But then we Swedes use every opportunity to be outside in the summer.

Wednesday, 13^th June

Another uneventful few days, I went to work, gym, meditation. Ben's class has been invited by their teacher to a barbecue at her house. How nice. I am so glad that this has worked out for him, changing the class. Their exam is next Wednesday, and the party is on Friday.

I actually have been invited to my own party that evening, I had an e-vite today from the university. Apparently it is tradition that the head of department has a party at his house. Well, how nice for us, to be able to go and do our separate parties! To be honest, I would not be interested to come to his, as I do not know anyone. And I am not ready yet to introduce him to colleagues I even do not know!

Today I checked on the work on the house again after I had been to the gym. Per said they got on better than expected and will finish tomorrow. One cannot really see it with the scaffolding in front, so I am looking forward to seeing it in a few days. We have gone with a much more vibrant colour. It will make the house stand out. Ben was there today to give the flat a once over. He had a catch up with Per and Lasse. He remarked to me tonight that Per does not seem quite himself, but when he questioned him, Per got all defensive. Oh dear.

I have made it a rule that Ben is not allowed to study more than 90minutes a day. And he has to stop after Sunday. He has accepted it willingly. He does need me to make these rules, otherwise he looses track of time or gets all consumed and stressed. He likes having these rules, it makes life easier for him.

Life has been good since he is back from Dalarna. We have established a routine and I have been stricter with him. He has his behaviour under control, or do I control it?

Thursday, 14^th June

I spoke to Torben today at lunch at the hospital. Django is not well. Ben's suspicion that he cannot see properly is true. The vet has recommended to “ease his pain” soon. Stine and Torben are of course struggling with that decision, although they have known for months that it will come up soon.

Tonight Torben phoned to invite us for lunch tomorrow. They have the weekend off and want to come to a decision then. They would value our opinion. I have not told Ben the purpose of our visit. He is just looking forward to lunch. Although it means he will miss yoga. Again. He is thinking of giving up the Friday class. The people attending have changed in the last few weeks and he actually does not feel as comfortable with them. And as I am off he thinks he should be at home and available to me. I have tried to convince him I actually enjoy having some time to myself. He saw my point, he says maybe he can volunteer at the centre over lunch, then I can have the time free. I think it is a good idea and he will talk with them Tuesday.

We had some time in the playroom tonight. I strapped him onto the chair. I left him for a while to enjoy the bondage. I enjoyed the view. Of course I fucked him. How can I not. After staring at his lovely ass for 30 minutes! It was good to wait. It made it better.

Friday, 15^th June

I like having time in the morning. Ben and I had time this morning. He woke me as usual. I made him wait, and I guess me as well. We made out first, then he gave me a blow job. We both needed a good breakfast after that! Ben made scrambled eggs and we had smoked salmon with it. We went to the gym later than usual and just had enough time to get home and ready for lunch. We had bought some flowers in town.

Stine and Torben had cooked a proper meal. Django behaved himself, he sniffed us a lot, but when he recognized us he was absolutely fine. He laid down near us and stayed there most of the time. I think he knows his time is coming to an end. We had not told them about Dog, and it came up. We then talked about Django's situation. Taking him for walks has become a bit of a roulette game. Sometimes he lashes out as he cannot comprehend what is going on, sometimes he is timid. S/T are reluctant to end his life by their decision. He still has a quality of life, it depends how it is managed.

Ben has offered to help more, take Django for walks at times when it is less busy during the day. The boy they have is nervous about taking Django out after there was an incident with another dog a few days ago. I have encouraged Ben to take more on. I am happy to help as well. I do not support to put him to sleep now. He can still enjoy life.

We talked about our plans for summer and our life recently as well. They had not heard much about the boy's trip to the farm and were interested. We came home mid-afternoon. Ben wanted to do his study. Martin had left me a message, he wants us to come and test the club during day time and review what he has found about food we can offer. So we are planning to go tomorrow afternoon.

I did a bit of gardening when we came home. Then I prepared a light dinner for us. We watched a film on tv tonight. The slave has gone to bed already, I am still up, as usual.

Saturday, 16^th

I woke up early. I felt restless and got up. Even Ben was not up yet. He was surprised to see me sitting on the terrace with a hot milk when he came to do yoga. I finished my milk and went back to bed. It was nice to snuggle back into bed. I dozed off. I heard Ben walk around the house. I think he tried to be quiet, but you know how everything sounds even louder or creaks when you try to be quiet. So I called him into my room and ordered him to come to bed with me. I think Ben fell asleep again as well. He got up before me and prepared breakfast. Then he came back to wake me. We did not have sex this morning. I wanted to go the gym early. So we had quite a quick breakfast and both went into town. Me to the gym and sauna and Ben did his shopping.

Oh, our tenants are moving in next week. They are arriving today and are staying in an apartment for a week or so to get the flat ready in peace.

Ben made my favourite for lunch. I read the paper and Ben did his 90minute studying. Then we went to the club. We are going to open during the day time at weekends after mid summer.

Martin presented his business plan to us, staff recruitment and training, and the food we can offer and more family friendly drinks. He has designed an advert to go into a free local newspaper. We have agreed to everything. He has everything under control. Kristoffer had an idea to get musicians to perform. We need a special license to have live acts, but if it is just one person and a guitar or something like that, it is ok. If he wants to organise it, I have no objection. As long as we keep the evenings for members and what they are used to.

Sunday, 17^th June

Something happened today. We are both a bit unsettled by it. It was a normal morning. Ben and I ended up staying at the club for a few hours. We both got talking to some people and it was nice to be out and talk to other people. This morning we had our routine and some bondage sex in bed. I left him tied up afterwards for some time. At some point he needed food, so I released him. We hung out in the house and had some lunch. We cooked together! He gave me instructions and I tried to be as tidy as possible. It was fun. In the afternoon he wanted to do some grammar exercises, which I corrected for him. I think, what he does not know now, he will not learn, what is the point? Swedish has quite complicated grammar, and there is one thing he always gets wrong, but it does not matter, most people do not get this right. He finished after his 90 minutes and put all his books into my office, how he had been instructed the other day when I made the rules about his study. He got his novel, and we both sat reading. I suddenly realised he had not turned a page for some time. He was just staring ahead, not reading. His mouth was forming words, but I could not hear anything. I realised he had gotten himself into a fix. Probably reciting vocabulary or grammar rules. I took the book out of his hands, after a few seconds he looked at me, kind of far away. He was aware that something had changed, but did not make the connection. I called his name twice, with a sharp tone. No reaction. I knew the only way to get him back was to cause him pain. I needed a few moments to build up to it, and then I slapped him in the face, very hard. His head went to the side, I had hit him that hard. I waited for his reaction. It was slow, as if had been woken up suddenly and needed time to wake properly. He asked me: what did you do that for? I explained. He was okay with that. I got him some frozen peas to put on his face, it was red and was starting to swell. One can see my finger marks. I was making us some coffee when he remarked he felt very tired. I thought maybe I had hit him too hard? He had swerved his head quite violently, there could be some damage! I warned him not to give in and stay awake. I examined his neck and spine. He said it did not hurt, only his face. Still, I did not want him to go to sleep. I got him a high collar and put it on. To be forced to hold your head in that position definitely stops you from going to sleep! He readily let me do what I had to do. I found us a program on tv we could watch. After about 45 minutes he said he was feeling better, was he allowed the collar off? I had noticed he had been struggling with it, so I took it off. He thanked me for getting him out of the fix. He can not remember the details, but he is aware that he had “an episode”. He went to use the bathroom and when he did not come back for some time I found him sitting on his bed, crying. I cradled him in my arms and he soon calmed down. We had a quiet afternoon and evening, watching some more tv. He did not want to read. There was a quiz show on and we got quite competitive trying to come up with the answers. His speciality was Swedish history.

That's it.

Monday, 18^th June

I saw Stine this morning, we travelled on the same bus into work. Her and Torben have decided against putting Django to sleep unless life gets very complicated for him. She asked if we can help out, or Ben. They reckon a natural death is not far off anyway. He sleeps a lot and has to be encouraged to eat and drink. They will try to get their shifts sorted so that Django is never alone.

Wow, they are dedicated to that mutt. No, I admire them for it.

Ben's face is a bit swollen today. One can still see some marks. He had arranged to meet with Sabine today, to keep him busy and his mind off Wednesday. She had something planned. Read Ben's account of what they got up to. She is usually very good, I trust her totally. Her and Ben have an understanding, like siblings or twins. They do not meet that often, but they get on like a house on fire when they are together. Ruth had said Sabine reminds her of Lizzie.

I went to the gym after work. I was tempted to go past the house, the scaffolding came down today. But Ben and I have arranged to go together tomorrow. I have started to listen to a podcast during the gym. I had dipped in to this over the years, but recently downloaded every episode and started to listen to it systematically. The fun thing is, the presenters make comments how their listeners do so in the gym and attract attention as they laugh out loud or drop their weights as they laugh so much at the show. It is called the “nosafeword” show and is about gay kinky lifestyle. Or general kinky lifestyle. I have found it to be very informative, they have a mixture of comedy topics and more serious stuff, like STD prevention, mental health etc. On one of their early episodes they have featured a guy who does hypnosis. That is a topic I would like to know more about anyway. I have read a few articles how hypnosis is used in operations or with pain relief. I have never had the chance to explore this more in depth with a practitioner. I really should.

Wednesday, 20^th June

Today was the big day! Ben kept busy yesterday, there was no school, so he met with Ingrid. They looked at two flats which she and the accountant are considering. They have decided against a house as both are not into gardening. One is in Sodermalm and one in Ostermalm. Ingrid would like to stay south, the accountant is used to O. Ben suggested they look at Gamla Stan, which is in the middle.

Very practical, my boy.

We met during my lunch break and went to look at the house. It was a bright day and the house looked very nice indeed! The colour does it certainly make stand out. We are happy with the result. Per came out and said that most of the tenants are back from holiday and love the colour. Good.

Our tenant has picked up the key from Per on Monday and they have been in to measure up etc. He is happy with the work Mats has done.

Ben went to yoga and then onto the center. They are very happy to have him there an extra day.

I made the boy sleep in the cage last night. I think it calmed him down. He knew I would sleep lightly and notice if he had any problems. We both slept lightly, but were rested this morning. His face is ok again today. He left shortly after me, he was calm. I think he had understood that there is no point in getting nervous. And his brain had understood it as well.

We had arranged to meet after work and his exam. We finished about the same time. We went to a cafe and had coffee and cake. He thinks he did well, he took his time and just did as much as possible. The essay was stressful for him, but he remembered what he had learned, how to structure it and approach it. He is glad it is over, but also sad as that is the end of classes.

Work was strange today, as is it a national holiday tomorrow. We still did operations and it has been business as usual all week. Mid Summer is a more valued day off than National Day, everyone thinks if it is good weather on this day we will have a good summer. I am working tomorrow. I thought I bag some brownie points. My colleagues are still speculating what all the meetings with HR were about, but it has quietened down. The schedule next week shows me doing more operations, and it is the complicated ones. One of my senior colleagues is on holiday. The whole system got changed just after I left, and most are happy. But it seems they have a bit of a headache to cover shifts with more experienced doctors at the moment. So I am doing “more” than we had discussed at Easter. I do not mind, I like the challenge.

Tonight Ben went to walk Django. He brought Django here. They have played in the garden for a bit. Django got tired very soon. They wrestled and cuddled together. He has now taken him back and will stay at their house until Torben is back from work.

Thursday, 21^st June

Well, it is sunny and warm today. No operations today. I had to deal with a few emergencies. I left a junior doctor to deal with any epidurals today. I did not want a repeat from last week.

As Ben did not have school today, he had time and took me to work. He is meeting with Ingrid for coffee. Ingrid phoned last night to see how his exam went. She has been a good friend the last few weeks and has been a great help keeping his anxiety under control.

Ben came home at nearly 10pm. Torben walked him home, he apologised, they had gotten talking. Well, it gave me time to sort a few things. I had had some replies from self defence trainers and I have narrowed it down. I need to talk to Martin to arrange a date. I have also heard back from the massage therapist, she has some time end of July. It is the Pride weekend, and I thought maybe we can link it to Pride, but it is better if it is a group of people who are familiar with each other.

I went to the gym after work. It was quiet. Ben did not have yoga, he did a session with Sabine at the Center. He is working there tomorrow. They have events there all weekend and need to prepare.

We have had dinner and Ben is in his cage. We have moved it outside. I have put a blanket over it again. And he is muzzled. And restrained with his wrists to his ankles, which are shackled to the bars. He is quite a pretty sight, sadly I cannot see him. I think I will get the camera and take some photos.

Friday, 22^nd June

We had quite a session last night. I got the camera and took some pictures. I got verbal as well. I changed him to a stress position. I had in my bed last night, restrained. He was getting restless this morning, but I kept him restrained. I fucked him and then he had to clean me.

We had breakfast and after a digestion break he was allowed to do yoga. He was quiet this morning, I think I took it too far. It was just my mood. We went into town together, we both went to the gym and then he went to the Center. I came home to drop off our bags and get something to eat. Then I came back into town and went clothes shopping in the centre. I just thought, if I find something I fancy some new clothes for the party tonight. What does a university lecturer wear for a summer party? According to the address, it could be a posh house.

Saturday, 23^rd June

It is early evening and I have sent Ben already to bed. I even have closed his door. It is not locked, but the bolt is closed. I thought we will have a vanilla weekend, but that has changed!

We both got very keen on doing a scene this afternoon. We were just hanging out and when I suggested to go the playroom. Ben was very eager. I strapped him into the chair. He was hot for it!

I set up the camera. I do not think we will actually ever watch the footage, but it gave it an extra spice. I strapped him in with lots of restraints, which he struggled against. I think it is a natural reaction to test them. I left his face uncovered and did not even gag him, but he kept quiet, except for moans of pleasure. He was hard the whole time and very wet. He came a few times, not always due to an orgasm, it was more that his body needed to release. He totally was in the moment. I do not think he remembers details of what we got up to. To be honest, I do not know either. We were both in ecstasy. As usual I left him to himself for some time after I finished, to gather himself and enjoy the feeling of the restraints. I made us both a shake and fed it to him while he was still in the chair.

After I had released him he went to his room to get cleaned up and get dressed. He took some time, he was tired. We had a take away delivered. We sat outside for a bit, but he was getting cold.

So I sent him to bed.

At the lunch last week he said something about people having different personalities depending in what environment they are in. I guess he is right. One behaves different in the presence of your boss, for example. He related it to coming out as kinky, as well. I mean, I have known S/T since my student days, and I would consider them good friends. Over the years there were periods where we did not spend much time together, and some when we were closer. They had no idea about my kinky side until they stumbled across Ben in the cage. And it has been so good to be able to be honest with them. I think that is why the club is so important, people know it is there and they can meet like minded people there. They can keep their worlds separate. Some of the members I know, I do not even know what jobs they do, or if they use their real name! Over the years it has been difficult for me, sometimes, to not be able to talk about my life. Now that Ben is here, and we live it 24/7, I kind of have to censor myself even more. I guess the blog is a good outlet.

What has caused me to think about this and write about it? The party last night. I was right, it was a big house with a big garden. There was a marquee, a jazz trio were playing quietly in the background and a caterer had provided all the furniture and a bar. Apparently the University chips in towards the cost. As I hardly knew anyone I felt quite uncomfortable. The lady I had been dealing with when I first gave the talks last year took me under her wings and introduced me around. I did a bit of small talk, had a bite to eat and a few drinks. I left after 2 hours. I felt out of place. People were talking Uni gossip, politics and plans for the summer. It all seemed so fake. Ok, at M/s night we do not only talk about our fetish lifestyle, we talk about the same stuff everyone does. But you know you are amongst like minded people, and if you want to talk about your fetish, about a good scene you had, or something went wrong, or how you are struggling with muggles, one has a receptive audience and can probably get advise as the person you are talking to has had similar experiences.

Sure, straight people, muggles likely do not talk about their sex life as much. But they probably talk about their relationship. And we do that. Just our relationships have a different element to it, which is a very important part. That's what makes us different and if you are not into that, muggles probably judge us against their morales. In which being dominant/submissive is usually abuse.

So, I kind of felt out of place at the party. I think I had gone there with an expectation not to like it. These are my peers, doctors, academics. We should have been able to find a common ground. But I think I have had so much going on in my kinky life at the moment, and Ben and I have been very much Master and slave, that side is dominant in me at the moment. Most of the people there I did not know, and the few I did, only two know I am gay. But then what does it matter if they know? I do not ask them their sexuality? It comes up in conversation.

Well, Ben came home about 11pm. He had had a good time at his party. They had played party games. That group of people knew each other better. For a year. Everyone will now go their own path. There was alcohol provided at his party, but no-one had gotten drunk. He was asked why he was not eating heartily, and he had to explain. The party broke up just after 10pm. Ben had a taxi pre-booked, we have an account with a company which it set up earlier this year. He took some other to the central station so they can get a convenient train home. He was tired, he had been working at the center all day. They have a summer party all weekend and he helped to put decorations up.

Sunday, 24^th June

Ben is sick today. He got up during the night and threw up. Something from the take away must have disagreed with him. He gets very low and has no energy. Luckily we keep medical drinks stocked up, which provide electrolytes and nutrients. Commercial energy drinks have too much caffeine. I made up the bed upstairs and we have put fresh linen on his bedding. He has put a bag on, he has a bit of discharge. I have the baby monitor on. I just checked on him, he is asleep, but quite restless. To be honest, I get very nervous when he is sick like this. I guess it is the doctor in me.

He hates being sick and thinks he is a nuisance to me. He cannot serve me and that makes him feel guilty. Together that makes it very stressful.

I am researching use of hypnotism in operations.

Ben was feeling a bit better at lunch time after having fallen asleep properly late morning. He got up and had a bit of thin porridge. Then he lay in our hammock in the sunshine. I was pottering in the garden and listening to one of the podcasts. Ben asked why I was laughing so much, so I gave it to him to listen to. It cheered him up. He realised he had met one of the presenters at Folsom Fair.

It is a small kink world.

Tonight he had some soup, but now he has a bit pain. He also has a slight raised temperature. We have talked about tomorrow, and I have asked Per to come and keep an eye on him. I am needed at work and Ben rather has Per around than me. I fuss too much.

Monday, 25^th June

Ben had a good night, he felt much better this morning. Per arrived just as I had to leave for work. Ben had gotten up with me, but did not do yoga.

I managed to NOT think about him all the time. Per kept me informed. They did go to see the doctor, he took a swipe from inside his stoma and a stool sample and we just had a call with the results. Everything is ok. It was probably some spice that he had a reaction to.

Per confessed to Ben that he has had treatment for a raised PSI and had a procedure. They think he is ok, but will keep a close eye on him. Lasse was at a day centre for hearing impaired and people with a speech impediment. His doctor has advised it would help with his depression. He is learning proper sign language there, so Per is learning as well. It is good that Lasse makes new friends. I am worried what will happen should Per be seriously ill or even die first. Luckily Lasse has a good relationship with his younger brother and his family.

Work was as normal, I had a good chat with my boss about hypnotism. I am thinking of exploring it more, but with my lecturing and taking on a student, I think my diary is pretty full. He actually discouraged me. He was interested, and said it was definitely something that medicine should embrace more, but at the moment the department was stretched and we need to get that sorted before exploring new strategies. I just wish they would tell us!

I went to gym after work. Per was happy to stay on. Ben was about when I came home. Stine has managed to get some time off, so he actually does not need to help as much with Django.

We gave Per a letter to post for our new tenants, a welcome letter, with all the tips Ben put together.

We have invited them to M/s night on Friday.

Tuesday, 26^th June

Well, today I was asked to come to HR. I had no idea why, and went with a bit of trepidation.

They wanted to discuss my holidays! For some reason not as many people are taking time off during the summer this year and so they are “forcing” people to take holidays. There was a space available beginning of August. Ruth is keen for us to come to the memorial service she is planning, she mentioned it again the other day. Apparently Jonathan is not very happy to have us there, it confused his children to learn that they have an uncle. I am trying to be open minded about him, but he is making it difficult. Ben is in two minds about going. I think it would be good for him, for us. His brother Mark would like him to come as well. So I have to break it to him later. He is at the Center now. He went to to yoga and he is at the Center just chilling. He thought it might be better not to be in the kitchen, although we know it was not a bug. He took it easy yesterday, him and Per played board and card games.

Friday, 29^th June

Just a quick entry, Ben and I are going to M/s night. We are meeting our new tenants at the flat before. They have invited us.

I was called to a meeting at the hospital this afternoon. Our head of department is leaving, his wife has a degenerative illness and they want to enjoy the last years. She has taken a turn and he has decided suddenly to go a a month earlier than planned, so they called the meeting suddenly.

They are re-shuffling responsibilities to basically save a position. We will have a new trainee, which I am mentoring, and we senior doctors will take on a bit more responsibility. It will come with a pay rise. They have reviewed procedures carefully and are confident it will work. As long as no-one else resigns or has to take leave. Well, I guess in this economy they have to save. I am going to decline the pay rise. They will probably insist on it, especially as I am taking on more. But I do not need the extra income! I am sure we will come to a deal.

Saturday, 30^th June

So, I have a bit more time to catch up. We had a good time at M/s night, as usual. Members were very complimentary about the outside space. Our tenants have moved in, they have made the space very much their own. The slave was very quiet, they are more in high protocol all the time. Ben tried to have a chat with the boy, the Master had given permission. He said it was difficult, the boy seemed to be unsure if he can trust Ben. Ben wants to keep trying. He wants it to work out, I think he would quite like to have an American friend.

Thursday evening I was finally able to get Ben around to say yes to a trip to the States. The day before he had been reluctant, he was afraid of the emotions that will surface. Thursday he spent a few hours with Stine and Django, they talked about it. We have decided to go to New York for a few days sight seeing. We have not worked out the whole trip yet.

He went to the gym on Wednesday and had been swimming. He is feeling “normal” again. He is a little concerned about my news from work. He does not want me to take on more hours. I will probably have to be a little more flexible, but I do not want to go back to a shift pattern like I used to do. That is unlikely anyway. Tomorrow we have been invited to my doctor friend. His partner is going to be there, and we might do some play. Ben and I have not been very active this week. I have had too much on. Today we have been relaxing. But we have had sex this afternoon, twice. I am just thinking, most of the time we do it twice. The second time is usually slower and more intense. He loved it! We were in the garden, luckily our neighbours are away! He was rather loud when we both came.